I'm afraid to say

I have experienced sides of me over the last few months that i do not like at all.
moments where i cannot control how i move, feel or react to a situation. I'm usually paralysed so to speak and overwhelmingly upset. And by these moments it's usually a situation where i am incredibly exposed and a lot is happening to myself.
It is terrifying. Only a few have witnessed it and i can't give any explanation to them afterwards, only saying "I'm so sorry" over and over again.
I wish i could fix it. But i really don't know how.

I know i am sick. And i know that sometimes i can not get out of bed for a few days. When this "turn" happens, i am straight back into bed. I don't have the energy to face the day. It goes away eventually.

I am very afraid to say though, that i am beginning to think that the only way i can over come this is if i go through it alone. I know a lot of people would think that would be the worst idea, but i just don't know. At least if these weird, freak outs occur on my own, i can just sort it out and not have to go through the embarrassing aftermath of apologising for being crazy. At the same time, i don't want to give up what i have with someone just for something like this.

I really don't know what to do. I have told doctors and all they say is to just take it easy and ingest said drugs. I'm over it. I'm over being tired and feeling sick and being afraid to be totally and utterly open and comfortable with someone just in case i turn.

I hope they understand why i feel like this.