Memories

This evening i was reminded of memories i shared. Wonderful, beautiful memories. When i think of them, tears come to my eyes and a smile to my lips. So many exquisitely sad memories that i will never, ever forget.

To my best friend.

It took me a long time, but i guess i have to start some where. Hopefully you can hear what's being said at first :)

1:05 am. A week has gone by

on the morning when I woke up without you for the first time,
I felt free.
and I felt lonely.
and I felt scared.
and I began to talk to myself almost immediately,
not being used to being the only person there.
hmmmm

the first time I made coffee for just myself,
I made too much of it.
but I drank it all,
just 'cause you hate it when I let things go to waste.
and I wandered through the house, like a little boy lost at the mall.
and an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space.

and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?

on the morning when I woke up without you for the first time,
I was cold, so I put on a sweater.
and I turned up the heat.
and the walls began to close in
and I felt so sad and frightened,
I practically ran from the living room out into the street.

and the wind began to blow and all the trees began to bend.
and the world in its cold way started coming alive.
and I stood there like a businessman waiting for a train.
and I got ready for the future to arrive.

and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?



One day has yet to go by where i haven't wanted to just call and talk to you. And not one day will ever go by where i don't miss you and i don't love you, because i always will.
I hope you're well.

I digress

I can be so horrible. It is no ones fault but my own that i push the people i love away from me.

"All good things come to an end" First posted on the 31st of August 2010

I first wrote this entry on the 31st of August 2010

"Today i made a decision.
A mutual decision with someone else, that we could no longer continue interacting the way we were.
It is one of those decisions that no one ever wants to make.
But it is for the better. That is what we have decided to tell each other.
And it is, really. There is no point in ignoring what you're feeling. Not like that. And not when you're in love with someone. It's simply unfair to do that to another human being.
It is such a loss, but such a major gain. That is what i said this afternoon over a laminate table and divine breakfast. The look of despair hung heavy in their eyes like wet clothes on a line. And the topic sat in a big lump in my throat.

I know that we have such a special friendship. I can't stress that enough.

I don't want to think about not having them around. They are too dear.
I just hope that they can see soon enough that this bond of a friendship between two people is far greater, and that if we continued to fall the way we did, we wouldn't even have the friendship that i hold so highly.

At the end of the day, i can't change the way i feel. It does not mean that they don't mean any less what so ever.
This person has experienced the best and absolute worse of me in such little time. They managed to pry me open and i welcomed that. I can tell them anything.
I look forward to the many days that we will still spend, sharing what we love and know in this ridiculous world.

I don't think i have met many people in my life that i believe to be kindred spirits with. Perhaps one. Definitely one. The kind that just knowing them makes you the happiest gal alive. I think this person is one of them. So make that two. I hope that feeling is mutual at least.


I left them this afternoon feeling that lump only getting bigger.

There is so much more to say. The kind of subject that has no more of a conclusion than the obvious one in front of you. And it will all be said,
when we meet again to share as we do, what we love and know; in such a ridiculous, silly world"

It is now the 17th of January 2012
It all seems to strange to read this. But all i know is it truly breaks my heart. I wish i could feel that positivity that i had when i wrote this back then. All i feel now is just sadness.

I'm so hurt by everything. Andrew continues to say how much space he wants when it's so easy for him to just go out and leave but he doesn't. I have spent so much time walking around him and i just don't need to anymore. I will be gone in 5 days and all i want is to just be happy in what is still MY HOME. I am terrified of moving and terrified of being alone there and all i want is to feel his support when all i feel is him just waiting for me to leave. I want to leave too, it's just as hard for me, but i dont think he sees it that way. It's sickening and i just want to disappear.