At times like these

I am filled with such an overwhelming feeling because i have such an unconditional love for someone. It lifts me up when i think about it.
But then the sad realisation that i no longer can act on it greets me again, and once more i am sad.

Speaks for itself

There’s a hair on the bed
The clock has stopped ticking
And nothing remotely romantic has been said

Let’s not pass on the steps
Let’s take the season very easy
Let’s take pills, salt water, let’s keep looking ahead

Oh, it’s a bad, bad ritual
Oh, but it calms me down
Oh, it’s a bad, bad ritual
Oh, but it calms me down

There is a history in pictures
There is evidence in boxes
There is proof of your love for him, long after it's dead

And every creak, a trigger
I will think of you with others
I could not smother out that fire in my head

And I saw your levitating chair
I found your long blond hairs
I felt your poltergeist presence in the frame of the bed

Every creak is a trigger
I will think of you with others
I found depravity convinced me I may no longer care

Oh, it’s a bad, bad ritual
Oh, but it calms me down
Oh, it’s a bad, bad ritual
Oh, but it calms me down

How relevant

"The more you take in, the more strength you find waiting to accomplish things and to expand your life instead of the other which is to look for structure and to fear change. We don't need revolutions provided we evolve, provided we are constantly open to new experiences, provided we are open to other human beings and what they have to give us."
- Anais Nin

Stay old fashioned with me.

I am not such a clever one
About the latest fads
I admit I was never one
Adored by local lads

Not that I ever try to be a saint
I'm the type that they classify as quaint

I'm old fashioned
I love the moonlight
I love the old fashioned things

The sound of rain
Upon a window pane
The starry song that April sings

This year's fancies
Are passing fancies
But sighing sighs holding hands
These my heart understands

I know I'm old fashioned
But I don't mind it
That's how I want to be
As long as you agree
To stay old fashioned with me

I'm old fashioned
But I don't mind it
That's how I want to be
As long as you agree
To stay old fashioned with me

Oh won't you stay old fashioned with me
Oh please stay old fashioned with me

2:07 am

I realise i should start to use this blog space again. I have so much time on my hands i might as well do something creative with it.
But right now, i am far too angry and annoyed at how little respect too many people have for me.
Going to go yell in a pillow.
Ok, seeya.

Career choice.

It terrifies how hard i am going to have to work to be the best i can and get to where i want to get.
Where do i even begin?

What a difference, a day makes.

New season new reason.

At the end of this week i will be moving house once again with my boyfriend.
It is a nerve racking, scary and frustrating thing moving, but i am looking forward to it.
This last week has been one of the hardest weeks i have experienced this year but i have to keep moving and start/finish packing.

I am very particular when it comes to the environment i choose to live in. For a while it didn't seem successful that we would find somewhere to comply with my high standards.
I mean, the place only has to pass one question: Is it an old building and is it beautiful.
But within my price range, that is harder than you'd think.

But, we have found somewhere. It is an apartment block built in 1929 by an Italian specialist that moved to Perth to continue his career. It is big, old and beautiful. And only a small walk into the city.

As soon as i am settled i will take photos of everything. We have been very lucky to find some incredible pieces of furniture to fill the place with. Including an amazing 1940's club lounge suite.

So with that, i better begin packing.

Until the big day arrives.

Goodbye Sam.

I found out at 5:00pm yesterday that a friend of mine had passed away that morning from a free boarding accident. It doesn't seem fair to take away such a great soul from this world. I am devastated.
Rest in peace Sam. You will always be missed.

Kindred spirits

Night terrors.

Over the last couple of days, i haven't been too well.
I am never "well" but specifically my health is not at it's best right now.
What seems to have come with feeling so unwell; is complete and utterly terrifying dreams.
At 4:38 this morning, i awoke to myself gasping for air and tears the size of coins rolling down my cheeks. I was so afraid that i was still asleep, and it took about half an hour for myself to completely come back to reality.
I do not wish to even recount the context for my dream, for the dream itself has left me with grave fear that in the unlikely chance it could become a reality.
My paranoia had exceeded to great heights, and everything seemed to just come across as some omen to the dream. All the reassurance that was being given to me just had the coating of a lie in my mind because i did not understand why I had just experienced what i did.

It is now 6:29 am, I finally thought it was safe to leave the side of my love and make myself some tea. Everything still seems too surreal and i have to keep touching him and everything to make sure i am actually awake. The lingering thought that i am just in another dream is paralysing me, but i have to battle these thoughts and be rational.

Despite the fact that really, This was just a terrible dream; i have a feeling this has majorly affected me, and i am possibly too scared to sleep for a while. I need to talk to someone about dreams, or anyone, and just have some sense talked into me. I care about my love so much, and the last thing i ever wanted to see whether it was in real life or in an imaginary world, was them being taken away from me. I don't even want to think about it, because it is still just too vivid in my head.

I have never been so scared of this world and what it beholds like i do right now.

In my mind.

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm 120 pounds
And I never get hungover
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined that I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never f*cking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined that I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old, I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me, now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagine that I could be that person now
But that's not what I want, if that's what I wanted then I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see that I don't want to be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground, I'll start pounding the lid
Saying "I haven't finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get
That says 'I'm living in the moment'"
And it's funny how I imagined that I could win this winless fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny that I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny if I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all to think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be