I love Miss Loveland.

siahne: "excuse maam i wants to put my unemployment form in please.."
"well hold on a minute miss!now, it says here that you ain't work for 3 weeks!"
siahne:"that's right.."
"ain't it about time you got yaself a job?"
siahne: "i'm lookin' for a job right now!"
"looking for a job and prayin' you're gunna move to melbourne!no...w you tell me what the last thing you done now"
siahne: "the last one..i used to get up in the morningggggg...go to work in real estate.anddd when i was a secretaryyyyy..the computers drove me to hate!!"

This still makes me giggle. I didn't think i could be mashed with C.W but there it is.

I love Roxy Loveland

Come, feast your eyes upon this wonder.

I have a dear friend who is a very, very talented young man.
Billy Reeves is his name.
And you should all look at just how amazing he is.
http://eyeseewell.deviantart.com/

Well atleast i have my health, oh wait.

Merry Christmas.
Hope you all had a swell time.

My Christmas was slow and relaxed. i prefer it that way.
Yet, i still felt like i couldn't keep up with everyone. I was finding it very hard to make conversation so instead i sat and listened to everyone else. I didn't think much of my state until later in the evening when i had a nervous breakdown. It is the second time this year that it has happened to me, and i hate every second.

I can't explain why it happens and i can't tell when it is going to happen; instead i wait until it's finally all over and say my one hundred apologies to the sucker that had to witness it.

I am usually quite a strong person, not many folk see me with my guard down. But this is definitely an occasion where someone can see how hopeless i am, i hate it.
I do not want people to see me as fragile and this does exactly that. At the same time, i try not to let moments like these get the better of me so hopefully that is some kind of consolation.

I feel ridiculous, not being able to control my own actions. I am at war with my body, and it is winning. I know how to fix this, but i don't have the chance at the moment.

Help.

Hello insomnia, it's been a while.
I am once again immersed in worry and paranoia.
I am not well, and i not it, but i don't want a doctor to confirm it.
Things keep happening to me that make me question everything i do. The only thing i am certain of these days is where i want to be going. Next thing you know, i meet someone amazing or something happens and i am thrown back into the vicious river that is uncertainty. crashing into tribulations that make everything else seem different.
Then paranoia comes in and the sleeping ceases to exist.

I am afraid of things going wrong, to the point where i play everything too safe and i have to be one hundred percent sure that it will go right. People would disagree, due to the fact i risked a lot and ran off to live in another city, but that was simply me running to avoid things going wrong here.

Life really could be beautiful for me at the moment, but i am too scared to let it run its course.

If i continue to be like this, i am going to very very lonely. Now all i need to do is actually say this to someone.

Straighten up and fly right, Miss Fox

I find it very hard to believe

That even now when i hear that song, it makes me think of you.
And then all of a sudden i am as hurt as the day it all happened.
You haven't left my thoughts, but i wish you would.

Que Sera Sera

I am terribly confused at the moment.
Things have occurred which have thrown me into a state of not knowing what to think. This doesn't usually happen to me, causing me to be confused even more.
I experienced something over the last two days which made me act out of character. But not in a bad way.
it's moments like these that have made me consider that perhaps i need to take life a lot more as it comes, rather than following everything according to plan.
For instance, i have a decision to make; that being if i want to take a leap of faith into someone, and something. But i can't seem to find even a bone in me that trusts more than a few people. I don't want to be hurt anymore so instead i closed things out of my life so that i wouldn't.
But now this comes along, tempting me, and the taste is too sweet.
I just don't know what i want.

Simply everything.

I make a date for golf, and you can bet your life it rains.

I try to give a party, and the guy upstairs complains.

I guess I'll go through life, just catching colds and missing trains.

Everything happens to me.


I never miss a thing. I've had the measles and the mumps.

And every time I play an ace, my partner always trumps.

I guess I'm just a fool, who never looks before he jumps.

Everything happens to me.



At first, my heart thought you could break this jinx for me.

That love would turn the trick to end despair.

But now I just can't fool this head that thinks for me.

I've mortgaged all my castles in the air.



I've telegraphed and phoned and sent an air mail special too.

Your answer was goodbye and there was even postage due.

I fell in love just once, and then it had to be with you.

Everything happens to me.




I've telegraphed and phoned. I sent an air mail special too.

Your answer was goodbye and there was even postage due.

I fell in love just once, and then it had to be with you.

Everything happens to me.

It's true

http://thefuckingwordoftheday.com/

Lazy Wednesdays

Sleep at six in the morning.
the repetition of the musical going round and round.
I am content and nothing more.
Being Awoken by a friendly face, and a small embrace.
I am homeward bound, the sun hurts my eyes.
Immerse myself in the long awaited bath.
The silence of being home alone is music to my ears.
Lazy Wednesdays, keep me near.

I AM ONLY HUMAN

Please, treat me kindly.
Do not string me along, i fall for it too easily. Only for you to drop the pearls that i am.
I constantly crave for your affection; to embrace it, not to have it thrown in my face.
I want to see all that there is to see! don't hold me back!
i want you; i want you more and more each day, but i know it doesn't work like that.
You're a tease, and you taunt me.
I am only human.

For the time being.

I enjoy being on my own, pretending i am somewhere I'm not.
Pretending i know the person across from me, we don't get along.
For the time being, I'll keep to myself and be in the background. Then eventually i will let loose again, recuperated from the drab that is reality.

Thirteen

we've been in the rain
we've been on the mountain
we've been round the fire

in fancy hotels
drank water from farm wells
we sang with the choir

i kissed your dry lips
we jumped off the high cliffs
and splashed down below

skin to skin
in the salty river
made love in the shadow


read books to each other
read the mind of the other
flew one thousand

we laughed and we cried
at movies and real life
in our ridiculous beds

we danced in the moonlight at midnight
we pressed against back doors and wooden floors
and you never faked it

and frequently
we ignored our love
but we could never mistake it


we met on the front porch
fell in love on the phone
without the physical wreck

you gave me the necklace
that used to hang
around your mothers neck

we questioned religions
fed bread to the pigeons
we learned how to pray

we stood by the ocean
turned our hearts in to one
we laid in bed all day


we skipped on the sidewalk
skipped stones on the water
we skipped town

we've seen the sunrise with new eyes
we've seen the damage of gossip and true lies
we've seen the sun go down

had passionate makeouts
and passionate freakouts
we built this world of our own

it was in the back of a taxi
when you told me you loved me
and that i wasnt alone

The Lone Ranger

There are few variations of people in the world; Suckers and fools, Thieves and Heroes, Fuckers and Lovers etc.
But it all falls into another category, that being: The Dependent and The Independent.
Sure, we all “need and want” someone at times, but some genuinely cannot live without the reassurance that there is someone, something watching over them. And then there are people who go through life believing they are in it for themselves, no one to hold them down and no strings attached. It’s debatable who the better of these opposing teams is. One could certainly agree that a healthy balance of both is the key to living successfully.
Moments occur though that makes us stumble to one side more than the other. Such as Love or “Love”. That is when we are a Sucker in the chapter of our life. We get into a mind frame of believing that we cannot live without this other half. Romanticism believes this is true. For the next days/weeks/months/years we depend on this person to tell us what to do, to finish our sentences, to make us feel happy. Then, the time comes where this ends; you are disorientated and have no idea how you are going to go on. No longer do you have someone to catch you when you fall.
It is the next step from there that changes everything; the fork in the road. You either wait for someone to pick you up, or you get on with life; familiarising yourself with loneliness. Most stay limp, waiting for a rebound. It’s easier to depend on something. That is why people believe in religion. The utter reassurance is the only way they can get on with life. Faith, I hear they call it.
I myself, fall under “The Independent”. I never used to be. But I had to be; otherwise I would still be as sad as a neglected child. I am accustomed to being alone now; except I find it harder to be openhearted now instead. The pessimist in me tells me there is no point. But I am trying. Whatta’ war story.
I am a Sucker, a Fool and a Lover.
I am, The Lone Ranger.

In another city

I am a nomad these days.

Nothing feels like home except where my everchanging heart lays.

I am back where i once was, it feels like putting on an old coat.

The sweet smell of memories is dense in the air around me, yet i am unsure if i should feel happy or sad.

that is all for now.

test

12

As the night closes to an end

We have nothing to distract us from the constant desire we chose to ignore.

It’s quarter to three.

It's full.

She turns the taps anti-clockwise and the room becomes quiet.

She breaks the silence when her foot is the first to step in. Ripples are created and move in synchronisation to the rim.

At last her body is emerged in closure. She is weightless. The dirt of the day slithers off. Here, she bathes in her woes.

Apathy floats past her shoulder, regret curls between her toes. She moves her hands up her legs to her chest, and the problems drift off.

This is the only moment of solitude in her life. The only moment where everything is as still as water; as smooth as the jazz she hears making its way into her ears.

Temptation dips its finger in, leaning over the edge. She opens one eye and watches; she always finds it hard to shake him off. You can't always let everything slide.

She repositions her leg, dangling her toes over the edge and watches the steam coil and twist off her skin.

There she lay, just for a while. Nothing is felt, until she notices it is no longer warm and her fingers have pruned.

She climbs out and slips back on her petticoat. She is clean.

 

It's empty.

Lady sings the blues.

In my solitude
You haunt me
With dreadful ease
Of days gone by

In my solitude
You taunt me
With memories
That never die

I sit in my chair
And filled with despair
There's no one could be so sad
With gloom everywhere
I sit and I stare
I know that I'll soon go mad

In my solitude
I'm afraid
Dear Lord above
Send back my love

I sit in my chair
And filled with despair
There's no one could be so sad
With gloom everywhere
I sit and I stare
I know that I'll soon go mad

In my solitude
I'm afraid
Dear Lord above
Send me back my love

Until Further notice.

I have no internet.
Haven't for a week.
Which means no time to post anything.
And also means extra boring, boring evenings at home when nothing is on television and i need to search something very important!

Pointless nostalgic

seconds, minutes, hours, days and months go by.
I spend that time yearning for something that once was the present.
Whether it was mine or someone Else's is another thing in itself.
A lot of people do this though, i think; i hope.
Nostalgia for Nostalgia.
There is something romantic about it. But for some, it is the only thing that makes sense; the past that is. In a result, it is a sense of closure for certain individuals. To be surrounded by things that make you feel at home; regardless if you have an original connection to them. Like an old chair that smells of tobacco, or a glass jug.
Is it romanticism? Or do some people have a connection to their past life? making them desire to live it all once again. A little bit from collumn A, and a little bit from collumn B.

Be Drunk

You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it—it's the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again, drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking. . .ask what time it is and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: "It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish."

-Charles Baudelaire

The end of it all

I have to drive
I have my reasons, dear
It’s cold outside
I hate the seasons here
I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless and small
By ten o’clock I’m back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head
You learn to drive
It’s only natural, dear
You drive all night
We haven’t slept in years
We suffer mornings most of all
We saw you lying in the road
We tried to dig a decent grave
But it’s still no way to behave
It is a delicate position
Spin the bottle
Pick the victim
Catch a tiger
Switch directions
If he hollers
Break his ankles
To protect him
We’ll have to drive
They’re getting closer
Just get inside
It’s almost over
We will save your brothers
We will save your cousins
We will drive them far away
From streets and lights
From all signs of bad mankind
We suffer mornings most of all
Wake up all bleary eyed and sore
Forgetting everything we saw
(I’ll meet you in an hour
at the car)

unforseen circumstances.

I stumble through my days and nights it seems at the moment.
I am a "stumbler".
As i moved interpretively to the music this evening, i felt totally out of control of my antics.
It was nice to feel such a thing for a little while; to have no responsibility of one self for a few minutes. I stared intently at the particular person who has had my attention for a while, only wishing that i had theirs.

I now lay amongst blankets and pillows; being so fatigue that the sheets and pillows beneath me feel amazing and cold. Like one would imagine clouds would feel. This is how i like to end my evening; until i forget about it in daylight.

This is all i have to my life at the moment,
lost moments.
It ain't so bad; there's laughs along the way.

Fantastico Mexicano

My sister's birthday party was the weekend just past. Being a twin, it was kind of mine too; even though i didn't want to have a party at all. It was all round good fun. She got Wasamba to play so if i liked it or not, i was going to be there performing. But that was a real blast. I was lucky enough to get out of cleaning the aftermath of it too.
On Sunday i met with two old friends; we spent most of our time just laughing and walking miles. I liked it.
I've only had work since then, and i really don't want to waste my time writing how many different ways i detest the place. I found myself in a spot of just plain arguments this evening, about nothing. I need my own space and no one else seems to understand that. i hope it all resolves itself soon. I am oh so tired of arguing every day. It has become just a way to past the time even. That and watching re-runs of the gilmore girls.

This has, and always will be

The ffilm that shaped my childhood. I would watch this atleast 3 times a week.
Now all i need to do is find my video of it again...Ah, George Pal.

In the wee small hours of the morning.

My days are long. I wait for the final hour, where i can stop pretending to care and drag my feet home. There i slouch in a chair for a few hours; complaining to myself about all the things i have and haven't done, and what i should be doing.
After that, i sometimes get up and sing to myself in the kitchen, listening to the sounds of my clumsy fingers trying to grasp a glass from the bottom cupboard. If i'm in a good mood, i'll read my book; an easy escape from reality. But at the moment, i just sit. Preoccupied by something.
Next thing i know it's the evening, and the sound of disagreements and animals wanting attention fills my ears. This is where i have discovered the wonders of my bed. The sweet shelter of the white feather douve, and my soft pink pillow.
Soon, this will all be different again. We are moving house. My "new" room has an orange and blue wall. Not your typical bright horrible playschool kind of orange and blue, but a desert kind. If you get what i mean.
So i have decided my room will have a nice take of the great western desert. Which is why i am in search for one of those big paintings of the Latino woman in the great red dress. And i will only have smokey dim lighting, And some cowboy leaning up against the wall; chewing on a toothpick.

Ah, my sanctuary.
But that's about it. I doubt it will happen. For now i am not in the mood to be optimistic. I'm just going to lay in my bed and wait.
Goodnight.

care to share.

rose hip and chet

This is the first day i have had to myself since i returned home. I decided at 7 this morning that i did not want to participate in the daily grind of answering telephone calls and pretending that i do care about the ups and downs of real estate.

So i plan on using my time wisely. Have a bath, practise piano (finally!) and finish my book.

These certain things, i hate to do when others are around. And this is quite the rare ocassion. The sound of just myself clicking these keys and my dog softly sleeping makes me feel a lot more calmer and content than i have been feeling since returning. I realise more and more each day that i really do like being on my own sometimes. Not forever ofcourse, for i like to entertain and feel affection. But for the time being, this is nice.

Even if the bath is cold, the piano keys will not agree with my fingers and the book is boring.

Woes.

I get along without you very well, of course I do;Except when soft rains fall and drip from leaves, then I recallThe thrill of being sheltered in your arms, of course I do. But I get along without you very well.I've forgotten you, just like I should, of course I have;Except to hear your name, or someone's laugh that is the same.But I've forgotten you just like I should.What a guy! What a fool am I?To think my breaking heart could kid the moon.What's in store? Should I 'phone once more?No, it's best that I stick to my tune.I get along without you very well, of course I do;Except perhaps in pring, but I should never think of springFor that would surely break my heart in two.

What kind of fool I am.

A fool to believe i was in love.
A fool to believe i was loved.
A fool to think i knew i was right.
A fool for thinking you were wrong.
A fool for following.
A fool for leading.
A fool for thinking the way i do.
A fool for hoping the way i do.
A fool for seeing everything that way.
A fool for taking my shoes off when walking in the dark.
A fool for declining your offer.
A fool for wasting my time.
A fool for eating too many sweets.
A fool for being indecisive
A fool for breaking that window.
A fool for mixing the colours with my whites.
A fool for leaving.
A fool for returning.
A fool for thinking that this was for the best.

In the eye of the beholder.

When i was much younger, my family owned a business.
It was fairly easy then. We had many things that made us very comfortable.
My granddad and grandmother owned a boat, called Front Runner. We would take that boat all the way to Rottnest; my granddad driving, at least 2 times a year. That boat was my granddad's escape. He loved it.
Then one day, We lost that business. We lost our luxuries. And then, my granddad lost his boat. I think he didn't care that they took anything; but not his boat.
Although that was a long time ago now, and we have all seemed to start again. My grandmother still bringing up the subject once in a while, but never my granddad. He just pushed through these years with nothing to say.

Today he came to me, asked me to photocopy a document. There was about 6 pages and they were pink. I held them in my hands waiting to hearwhat someone had to say to me, as my eyes secretly drifted on to the page.
"Renewal of dock, Council of Rottnest Island"
Signed and paid for, my granddad had paid for the dock of a boat he no longer has, and has been ever since he lost it.

My heart sank. I never ever have thought about my granddad as having such a sad tendency like that. He has always been the very formal man, who sits at his desk on the weekends; writing important things he needs to do. Plans must be followed. There is no time to be upset.
They took his boat. And the only thing that still makes him feel like he owns it, is to pay for an empty dock that once held probably the only thing he loved. I don't think i have felt that sad in a long time like i did when i realised it all.

And now only today, when i looked over at him sitting in his desk; i saw an old man. A sad old man who has spent his whole life trying to hold on to things he loved, really only to have them taken away. Today was the first day i really got to see what he was like under his suit and tie. I can hear that small break in his voice now. And now i love him even more.

I've lost it

The creative impulse that is.
No surprise though really, is it. I have only been back a few days and already i am so despondent. Perth has welcomed me with a very cold shoulder, and i couldn't care less.
It's funny how much a city can make an impact on you. I do not care how stupid people may think i sound, but i am drawn to that city. I feel whole and full of life. Here, on the other hand; makes me feel so pissed off with the world and careless. I don't care about most things at all right now. Which is horrible!
In two days i begin the daily 9-5 job. A wise man once said that a working class hero is something to be. I'm not too sure if i agree with that.
It's money though. Money to finally get me back in the sweet arms of that town.
That is what i tell myself every morning when i wake up.

Fairwell, Emerald city.

This doesn't feel real;
Sitting at this cold airport.
Goodbye dear city, Hello lifeless and limp Perth. You weren't missed.

i wear my heart on my sleeve.

Its a terrible thing to do.
And i remember that every time.

Fools will be fools.

Who are you foolin' kid?

I am trying to suss something out, for myself. And i think i finally concluded it today.
Yet when trying to explaining to anyone else, i become tongue tied. I'm extremely curious as to why this is so. Despite the fact it is continually drumming through my head at the moment, being provoked by the things i continue to read; perhaps i am still not certain myself?

Or maybe all of this is just my brain is moving too fast right now. Right now i am having to go back to things i have typed because i have missed out whole words.
I am very distressed about moving home. Constantly thinking about how much has changed and how much i have changed in the eyes of others. I mean really, why does it matter?

There is oh so much to do.

Time to pack.

I thought i really would never see the day. Well it was my plan atleast.
i will now attempt to pack up the last 6 months of my life into a suitcase. Hold all applause to the end please, my dears.

Last night,

I met Sir Michael Caine. He told me it was a pleasure to have met me.
Sadly i then woke up. It was all a dream.

Sing went the strings of my heart.

My day today, was beautiful.
I lounged around until late then got dressed when i felt like it. I went outside to discover what a lovely day it was. The sun was so nice and warm, but it wasn't hot. Eventually, i ambled down to the tram stop and got off at Middle Park. It's a suburb fairly close to my house, that pretty much only consists of Victorian terrace houses. It's beautiful. There is a cafe in the old train station office along the track which i decided to check out. Ordering my usual, the man came out and told me that he was "Pretty sure they didn't make soy lattes in 1945" i could only reply with a nervous laugh. There i sat for a few hours trying to finish my book of short stories. It was about 4 by then, so i walked around the streets taking in every amazing building that i laid my eyes on. Then made my way down to the waterside of St Kilda.

I don't usually like the beach, but the sun was just so welcoming; With the slight breath of the sea breeze to keep it from being an uncomfortable warm. Before i knew it, it was half past five; The sun was down and i still hadn't eaten nor finished my book.
But i really don't care, Friday has been a good day.

It's just always a shame when night officially falls and yet again, the feeling of loneliness overcomes me like a bad cold.

I know someone.

Who is tragically beautiful.
They appreciate things in life,
regardless of how many times they lose.
Some times i think that they would be the most perfect person in the world. I didn't, at first.
And even if i have never told them, i really do hope they know; that just having them in my life, makes me the luckiest gal' alive.
I hope to see their face again one day.

Why hello, stranger.

Creative juices! it's been a while!!

Julia Deville is fucking amazing, i am so happy i have seen her work in person. I will go into detail of that later.
After i experienced the wonder that is Deville today, i went to a cafe just to get a coffee (because i can't seem to go a day without it now) and to do a mental recount of what i had just witnessed. There was some fashion magazine resting on my table. So subconsciously, i started to flick through. I have been so unimpressed with the fashion industry lately that i have avoided looking through magazines like this but for once i was amazed. Some of the work that has been produced for the latest season in Europe was beautiful. Finally actual "Wearable art"
And finally, Ideas came back to me. It has been 6 months since i last got to make any kind of garment, and now i am roaring to just make anything. It's so nice when passion comes back to you!
So when i finally return home, there is one project waiting for me to start, that being my Wasamba Costume for the upcoming gigs. Its going to be brilliant. Then hopefully by December there will be a few more productions happening that i can get my dirty little mits into. Lets just hope all this motivation and ideas stays with me.

Creativity, I missed seeing your dear face in my town. You won't go astray again, will you?

"Jazz for Booklovers"

I don't know why i find this song very close to my heart. It never leaves my head. Maybe it was all those times of hearing that man on the Mary Tyler Moore show singing it in my child hood...
But i really do feel the words.

Today i didn't do anything. Saw that damn dreamboat of a man again. exchanged glances, life goes on. Tomorrow i am going to see an exhibit on the Amazing Julia Deville. I am shivering out of my skin, i am that excited.

Until then!

Oh Amanda,

How i love you so.
I cannot sleep again. But the beautiful sounds of Amanda are keeping me happy. There is so much i could be doing. Although this time i don't think i will get in touch with my androgynous side.
In a few weeks, I'm going to be somewhere different again. Back in the familiarity that is my old room. With john and Paul looking over me and my record player next to my bed. But why does it all feel so sad? i feel so at home here, this is where happiness is. One day i am going have lots of money and i am going to buy one of those little apartments that you see in Rippon Lea. And i will have a cat and I'll sit out the front complaining about my bad health, but then contemplate on having another cigarette anyway as i wait for my friend to come over and play bridge with me.

And that is my new years resolution.

That there's tha devil's music that is.

No more trying.

I have decided to give up on trying to keep certain people close.
It's funny how much a person can change simply because they befriend others. Not all the time but for me at least, i have been moved out of the picture of what is considered interesting. Each person that i have been spending my time with over these last months have become very bored of who i am. Simply because i don't participate in copious amounts of drugs every weekend and listen to drum and bass.

I do not take it offensively, I just find it disappointing. I find it hard as it is coming across someone who appreciates my interests and who i am. It makes you lose confidence in wanting to find more people to spend time with. But what is a life without friends? where do we learn life lessons and meet our foes if we do not have friends to begin with?
Mark Twain once said; Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Either way i still love the people i have. Regardless of how far away they are, they are always there to let me bend their ear. It just isn't nice to lose friends regardless i guess.

I shouldn't and will not dwell on this.
On a brighter note i finally replaced my light bulb, ha!
That is pretty much all i did today. I guess i should go cook myself something to eat and finally finish this book!

So this is what i did instead.

I think this is the most fun i have had on my own for a while.

Time waster.

I laid in bed until two today. For no reason.
I hate how much time i waste. I haven't even started trying to write anything yet have complained all night of being bored.

I need mental stimulation!

Train-whistles, sweet clementine
Blueberries dancers in line
Cobwebs, a bakery sign
Oh a sweet clementine
Oh dancers in line
Oh
If living is seeing
I'm holding my breath
In wonder, I wonder
What happens next?
A new world
A new day to see
I'm softly walking on air
Halfway to heaven frontier
Sunlight unfolds in my hair
Oh I'm walking on air
Oh to heaven frontier
Oh
If living is seeing
I'm holding my breath
In wonder, I wonder
What happens next?
A new world
A new day to see
To see...

The sweet smell of freisures.

At about two this morning, i came up with an idea for a story. I'm excited to see how this goes. Knowing my habits at the moment though, it won't go very well. But i might as well try!

My flight has been booked. Soon i will be saying goodbye to the Emerald City. But i will be back soon. let's just hope Perth treats me well.

I have quite a few things to do today, no time to blabber on a blog.

My new/old hat,

Thank you savers.

She's a beauty. I took her out on the town today to see a friend for coffee. An old man came up to me later in the afternoon and said "Are you in the movie business?" I simply laughed then he did too and continued walking. It made my day.

My friend took this as i was having coffee with him. It doesn't do much for my hat, but take my word that she is a keeper.

The rest of my day was spent looking at books. That has become a very popular way to keep myself happy and preoccupied. I always visit the same City Basement Bookstore. I found a book today called "Toxin". It was first published in 1789. Not only was the story lovely (about a countess in Venice losing her heirloom necklace) but the illustrations were amazing. Each separated from the pages with tissue paper, they looked like achromatic water colourings. So eventually, i will go back and buy that book instead of just paying it a visit like i do with most of the others that i find.

Tomorrow I'm going to see what Albert Park is like. I pass it every time i am heading into the city and the old buildings have persuaded me to venture further. Hopefully I'll find somewhere nice to sit about and catch up on some writing I've been working on...

I have a secret on my chest.

That i still shouldn't share. No where is really private anymore.
But i think i can give a hint..to myself really. It might make me feel a little lighter.

I'm jealous of someone. Sure that sounds like nothing. But i am jealous because someone gets to experience something that i desire and can't experience myself. It wouldn't be right nor would it end well. I have to question myself though if i am jealous simply because i am a by-stander when i see this particular person doing what i want?
So maybe i don't really want to at all? Say if i were to have the chance to experience said desire, would i even want it then? Or is it i just want it because i can't have it.

Forbidden fruit.

We always want what we can't have. Yet how can we know that until we try to grab for the forbidden fruit? Will it break off the branch and land in our hands, clasping it up to our lips to get just that little taste. Or, will we be struck down by our conscience, telling us that we knew we couldn't and why must we never do as we are told? leaving the fruit still on it's branch, taunting us yet again.
But then again, i don't think i should even attempt this. Going back to what i was saying. Hopefully this crave to do so dies down. So much for living on the edge.

I begin to wonder that all of this is coming from me being very lonely at the moment. I am definitely very alone right now. I am not surrounded by things that make me feel welcome nor nurtured. I constantly crave physical affection, mental stimulation, experiencing beauty and passion. Regardless if all these things came together or separately. This could also be a good thing. It will make me appreciate and notice the wonders more when they do come along.

For instance, just by saying that i have a nice feeling of closure sitting here drinking my tea and looking at the trinkets i have picked up along my journey here. It's nice. But then really, we all know what I'm getting to.

These are the ramblings of a person in need of someone to share their passion.

All my loving.

I have yet another hangover. Red wine can do that too you quite easily. Although i am becoming concerned about my desire for gin and tonics ever day at the moment...Not something someone my age should be craving no?

Last night was really nice for me. The lovely girl next door, Jess invited Grah and I over for dinner. The food was delicious. Broccoli, anchovies, kalimata olives and chili pasta. Yum! and then chocolate fondue. And like i was saying before, lots of red wine. But it was lovely to be around people who i can have riveting conversations with. Rather than sitting around waiting for people i know to sober up from being stoned. Not entertaining nor stimulating what so ever.

All the loveliness of last night has made me think i would really like to have my own little dinner party before i go back to Perth for that short while. It's so much more of a rewarding and exciting feeling when you're cooking for people you love. So that is exactly what I'm going to do, invite my close friends over and cook them a feast, with sweet lounge cocktail party music in the background. That meaning that Dean Martin will be played at least once, at least!

So today i thought i should just potter at home, clean up the monstrosity that is my bedroom and catch up on some readddinngg. Although, i really really want to see a movie, so I'm trying to find someone who will come along to the pictures with me to see Public Enemies. Fingers crossed.

Oh and i need to go buy some flowers, and drop off my film. So i better plough!

Toorah.

One of my most favourite movies.

Yves Montand, hubba hubba.

Old times, were good times.

Well, I'm alone again.
It was nice having my sister around for the brief time. Sure we argued, but we always do.
But now I'm pretty lonely again. I took her to the airport and said I'd see her around and that sudden feeling of loneliness swooned over me as soon as i walked away and had no one to talk to anymore.
So i started to think of ways to cheer me up. And what could make you feel more homey and loved than a real Italian meal from the famous Pellegrini's Espresso Bar. As i walked through the original glass doors, the smell of real Italian food and the sound of old men yelling "Ravioli! who ordered it!?" made me feel content. I of course did order the Ravioli, from the lovely man who gave my sister and myself cheap drinks last time. It was delicious and served with a warm smile.
I think i can happily say now that whenever i am feeling blue, you'll find me at Pellegrini's. Down the back.

But unfortunately i was so incredibly intoxicated last night that i have yet to go to sleep so i bid this blog and readers good day.

What kind of fool am i?

What kind of clown am I?
What do I know of life?
Why can't I cast away the mask of play
and live my life?

Why can't I fall in love
Till I don't give a damn
And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am.



Oh yes and my sister is visiting. We are having quite the whale of a time. I'm sure we will have photographs of these times soon. The only tragic news i have is my beloved Gypsy band has been absent from their spot for two weeks now. Please come back Saruko, you were the only thing that i had to look forward to every Monday :( I need to see your lovely faces and hear ragtime tunes.

Staying awake to chase a dream.

Tasting the air you're breathing in.
I know i won't forget a thing.

To You,

I am craving, pleading.
To the passionate individual that i need right now to enlighten me. To give me the reassurance that such people still exist. Will you be in my company soon? I don't do much at the moment so I'm happy to spare any time. I need to witness some one, anyone displaying passion. In whatever way you chose. Perhaps we could meet very soon? I'll meet you on the corner. I'll be the one in the black coat, with the collar turned up.


Until then.

Insanity.

Once again i slept till two in the afternoon. Only to wake up being extremely angry about the matter. I have to start getting up, even if i don't have plans for the day. It is such a waste of my life. The funny thing is that i tell myself when i wake up in the morning that i really don't have anything to do, so i go back to sleep. When i actually have many things to do. I still haven't finished my two books, nor have i finished various art projects that i have started. And my room is a shambles. It is so much more pleasant when my room is nice. I actually want to spend time in there when it is all tidy and smelling clean.

It is silly though, i have said so many times that "Tomorrow! tomorrow i will wake up early"
But it never happens. I need someone to stand at the side of my bed and poke me with a stick until i wake up. And then i will go out and buy the cheap flowers and have the cheap breakfast that i said i was going have every single day for the last 4 weeks. It would be very nice to see morning light again. There is nothing more depressing than waking up when the sun has already started to descend for the day.

So now Siahne, you begin setting this into a habit. Apparently it takes 21 times of putting your desired habit into practise for it to actually become that. So tomorrow will be practise number one! And if i fail, then a slap on the wrist only sounds reasonable.

Despite my sheer frustration of sleeping the day away, my afternoon was lovely. My neighbour Jess invited myself and my housemate Grah over for cake and tea. So i quickly got changed and made my way out the back door and to the door next to me ha. Her house is lovely. She has cut out pieces of paper and formed a picture of a tree in her dining room, which is where we sat and had her home made cherry tea cake and scones. It was Delicious! Although i was and still am so distracted by her little black and white kitten named Henry that i probably could've been eating cardboard and still have been happy. But really, that cake was amazing. And so was the owl tea pot cosy.

But like all days, they end. I am left with a very homely feeling and i really like it. I've been thinking i may go and bake a cake now for my friend Austin because he is feeling a little down. It won't be as good as the delights I've had today but hey, a gal's gotta try!

Give me some sugar.

Really.

"You and me are the same, we don't know"

That's all i have right now, and it is killing me.

Instead of getting a decent amount of sleep.

I began to read a short story called "The Lost Decade"
It was so unbelievably beautiful. And by that, it got me very inspired. So i started to paint. I'm not furious at my lack of skills yet which is surprising but this is what i have done so far:
Keeping in mind it is very incomplete.

There is still a lot more to do, if i ever can be bothered doing it is another story.
Although now it is 3:12 am, so i should try to sleep.
Goodnight.

This is what i need.

Ohh, Untamed youth.

Plleeaasee. Anyone?

Saturday evening.

My sister is an amazing creature.

No kidding. I aspire to at least know half of what she does when I'm her age. Or even to be as wise, or talented, or as pretty ha. This is my favourite photo of her. Sure it's not a pretty portrait but i still love it :)

Might as well.

Thought i would share a photograph taken by the lovely friend of mine. It's of my little feline friend that lives on my finger.He sure has the knack, my friend who took the photo that is. Although my cat definitely has the knack too.
Enjoy Amigos.

Smile, what's the use in crying?

Its almost five in the morning and i am watching the memorial for Michael Jackson on television and they are the words his brother has just sung, and it is very true.
He may have left this earth, but The King of Pop will never die. Simple as that.
Every time his songs are played, or Thriller is shown, or someone tries to do the moonwalk; the world will be smiling and celebrating this genius for the rest of our lives. And that, will never stop.

I do not know what to say.

I am left utterly confused and sad.
I was having a conversation just before, one could say a lively debate about how society has become so ill mannered. And my views were just left considered "reminiscing about a fantasy time that did not exist". Then being related to the explanation of "Merry England".
Am i that misunderstood now that my views are considered a load of nostalgic wank?
I really did not expect this. I don't really know what to think now..

A strange evening.

Hello my beauties.
A storm is brewing. This is the only thing that i can relate my strange behavior to. Today has ended with me with a feeling of content. As to why i am feeling this i do not know.
I hung out with Austin today, something i haven't done in a while. It was really nice. But that is really all i did. So that doesn't help me come to the solution as to why i am feeling ok. Maybe it was finding Gatsby for four dollars the other day, and just spending time devouring it once again. Or that my knitting is going ok, no giant holes thus far. Or is it that i had a home cooked meal. Or is it the sounds of Balkan music that i chose to have threading through my ears at the moment. It makes me feel very alive and that is a nice and refreshing feeling to have if you have been doing nothing for the past two weeks. SO in conclusion i hope that this feeling continues until tomorrow where with all this chirpiness i feel like wearing a full brim hat. With a sash to keep it on my head. It will make my day. Besides also going tap shoe browsing. And yes i mean browsing, not buying. No clams in the bank means no tap shoes for me until my birthday. But that makes it sound so exciting, recieving tap shoes wrapped in tissue paper for my birthday. Oh i'm giddy thinking about it. I think i may go watch The Big Sleep yet again, hell why not.

Some one please, please give me some tap shoes.

I think it really would solve my problems.

I'm so tired. I'm too tired.

I'm so tired of being alone.
Of not knowing anyone who shares the same things as me.
I'm so tired of being rejected and ignored.
I'm too tired to try and too tired to pretend.
Surely there is some one out there who feels as out of place in this time frame as i.
If you do exsist, let me know. Can we be friends?

I didn't really do anything today.
I sat in a cafe and read The Great Gatsby again, and i bought new paint and brushes.
I cooked apricot chicken for dinner too, it was delicious. And now i am just sitting in my room painting a woman in green.

I have to get up early tomorrow for a change.

There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

I am getting so bored of myself.
This is the 4th night i have sat at home doing absolutely nothing.
Give me something to do!! Where are all the passionate folk i need to talk to? You can't all be that busy.
I am buying knitting needles tomorrow and picking up my old habbit. Might as well do something with all this empty time.

Hypocritical

You're a coward. And it infuriates me. You will not face what you have started.
But so am i. I won't move forward or take a tempted risk.
We're all cowardice though, we all have a certain thing we don't dare to go for. And it's pathetic. why do we waste so much time? waiting or just not doing anything at all.
I have been sitting here exchanging words with someone just going on in my head as to why they won't just be honest with me. I know it's because they don't want to face the consequences but for fuck sake, i can't just hang on and wait.
But really, i have no right to be angry. I am behaving in the same manner. I string people along because i am too scared to face change.
I hate the person i am at the moment, and i am not happy with the path i and my generation is taking. We waste so much time doing things we don't like and pretending to be someone we are not. And for what reason? Because its easier that way? or because we are too scared to just live. We are forced to feel that if we live life for pleasure, that it is a bad thing. Life is too short.

It's funny how i am saying this all.

Run rabbit run rabbit run run run.

I am sick again.
So I'm spending my hours drinking gallons of water, eating cracker biscuits and listening to jazz.
And at the moment watching Antiques roadshow. Makes me feel like I'm home again.

Although i did stumble over this, Absolutely amazing sculptures.

http://kuksi.com/

Back to cracker eating antiques watching boringness.

Toora.

She is the new thing.

Lip up Fatty!

Reggae at 3:40 in the morning.
No rest for the wicked i say.
Although i should sleep soon.

You.

I'm sick of pouring my heart into you.
I don't know why now i am still trying.
Just have the guts to say what has to be said. Then go on your way so i can stop wondering if there is any slight chance left at all and finally get some sleep.

One for the road.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/toujours_pur/3035208938/in/set-72157603968425569/

Until we meet again

We wish to inform you that the lady herself is not available at the moment. Due to personal reasons, she is unable to explain. We hope that she has a speedy recovery and returns to grace the stage once again very soon.

Yours sincerely,

Management.

Easily one of my favourites.

http://etext.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=PotWink.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=1&division=div1

The movement of the body

Is such a beautiful thing.
I mean, i knew that already. But i realised it again this evening. I sat on my bed with the lamp on the floor, casting a my shadow onto the wall. And there i sat for about two and a half hours, watching the movement of my hands and arms and body to the sounds of overtures. It was so strangely mesmerising and entertaining. You get to the point where you move so smoothly because you are moving to the exact decibel of every note. It's almost delicious it looks so amazing. I sound ridiculous right now but i guess I'm just in a good mood for a change. I suggest anyone to do it though. Or at least watch someone, and i mean really watch them. Go see a ballet even! They spend hours perfecting the movement of each bone and muscle to sound that they become a visual imagery of music. It is truly beautiful.

Ha, listen to me.

I didn't do much today, nor this evening. I sat in the botanical gardens with Austin and Drage. I bought a sailor hat. I found Tristan, drank mulled wine. Then i was alone again.

That feeling bothers me the most at the moment, I'm constantly trying to be around people or doing something because i don't want to catch myself realising again that i am on my own. It's not very nice. So I'm going to stop talking about it.

Tomorrow is another day.

ch ch ch changes

I got a hair cut.
I think it was just because i was bored and sick.
But i like it.
I went in asking for a "Louise brooks box bob" and they had no idea.
And when they asked me what music i liked and i said "Rockabilly is my kind of thing" They also had no idea. Ahh, hairdressers.

But they did a perfect job :)

Oh and i am now unemployed, because the word is filled with fucking cold and pathetic people and my boss was one of them when i tried to explain to her that i was unbelievably ill and couldn't possibly show up for work. It would've been my first day off and instead, i was fired.
Oh well, one door closes another one opens right?
right?

I can't win.

I never do. Everything always seems like it's all going so well but it is never actually the case.
I don't think i'm going to try anymore. It's too hard.

angry sad angry sad angry sad angry sad angry sad angry sad angry sad angry sad.

I've seen it all.

Hello.

It is 11 pm and i am sitting on the floor in the lounge room of this old place.
There are quadrilateral marks on the wall where photos once were. Photos of a family i think. A family of one child, who spent many evenings sitting here with his mother and father playing. A family who all sat together that night as they were told by a strange machine "hello this is television". A family who had more downs than ups, Who in the end never agreed on anything. Who redecorated their kitchen orange. Who caught their son kissing the girl next door with "I wanna hold your hand" in the background, and watched him move away. Then grew old together. Never, ever moving the pictures from the wall. Until their great grandson packed them away when the house was sold and nothing is left behind. Except for the quadrilateral shadows of memories on the wall.

Well, at least that's what i think.


Time is moving slow for me, and i'm still someone else at the moment. Not sure who but i don't really like them.

The only thing that keeps my spirits up.

Let's get lost.

It's so cold here.
I like it.

Nothing has changed since i last spoke, i don't really feel anymore different. Maybe i'm more angry but i don't care.

I spent too much money this week and met a handful of interesting people.
i finally bought my camera too. Her name is Gertrude.
My other money was spent on a pair of spats and original 1940's elbow length black gloves. I think that is called retail therapy but what ever.

My camera is beautiful, she was made in 1952. Even if i find out that she doesn't work anymore i will still love her just the same.

I think the week just gone turned into a huge distraction for me. I tried to do something every second so i didn't have the chance to stop and think. Which is probably why when i finally lay down to go to sleep i want to cry. Isn't it funny how we put ourselves through these things.
And no doubt i will continue to do this. I have a feeling this is going to go for quite a while too. It's a realisation for me. I've been pretending that a lot of things around me haven't been happening, now i can't ignore them because they are right in my face and have to be dealt with.

So it is just me for a while. Playing the role of The Loner.

Joe Taranto

You were amazing. This is a huge loss to the world. You made many days of mine so much more worth while and interesting and i'll remember that. I have to thank you for teaching me so much and helping me appreciate the wonders of history and society. I'm sure we'll meet again.

Rest in peace.

Bite your tounge.

Anytime something amazing happens, something shit has to happen in return to balance things out.
to put it lightly.
I knew nothing good would come from what's been happening with me these past months.
I'm not in a relationship anymore since last night.
I can't remember how to play piano anymore.
Etc
I have never felt so pointless like i have these last few days.
Every day for a while now i feel like i am just watching myself live from the side. I am an average stranger sitting next to myself ears dropping into my life. I am living in such a nice place and seeing such interesting things yet at the end of the day i am still not happy. I still feel like i want more. So unbelievably selfish.
That relationship was the only reason i was going back home. I don't have a reason anymore. no one wants me to come back anyway.

Welcome to reality Siahne. Of working 5 days a week and always anticipating of finishing so you can go and get drunk because there is nothing else to do and it makes you feel that much better for a few hours until the next morning when you realise it all over again and have to be back at work in an hour.

I need to change the way i think or something, because all i think about now is myself being alone.

I don't have anything else to say that isn't me wallowing. I'll be seeing you folks.



http://www.nostalgic-radio.com/2008/03/05/bing-crosby--ill-be-seeing-you.aspx

It is priceless,

That someone who is over the age of twenty has the immaturity of a 16 year old.
Who turns the radio on as loud as possible to get someone out of bed.
I'm gone now so stop you're whinging. . You're sad attempts on being intimidating were entertaining though. I was sympathetically laughing along. I don't find people who think the word "squishy" is hilarious at all funny.

Fucker.

Nothing really.

I can't sleep.
My brain is rattling.
I'll be moving all of my junk in less than 12 hours, and all i can think about is the end of the day and what i want to happen. If that makes sense.
I was faced with a very big opportunity today, an amazing one really. I should've been excited but instead it made me very worried and i still am now. I don't know what my decision will be but it will mean i won't be going home for a while if i go through with it. I don't feel like having responsibilities like this, but it really could be for the better. It will rule out one thing though, which will be the hardest thing to face. So if it goes through, I'm preparing for many days of me feeling like nothing matters anymore. Kind of Ironic isn't it?

I can't be bothered writing this. It's mental dribble.

faeries on your pillow.

Times they are a changin'

I'm moving tomorrow.
It's going to be a bitch. If you see me on public transport with a suitcase bigger than myself, Do not laugh at me.
But i probably won't be able to acces this contraption so often too.
Possibly a good thing.
But i'll find a way. This is all for the better i say. Rhyming not intended...
Last night i went to a pizza joint to see Edward Scissorhands on a giant projector for free.
I can happily say i had tears in my eyes. I love that movie.
$4.00 pizza and johnny Depp in full screen, what more could you want. Besides Johnny Depp sitting next to you in person...
It was around 11 by the time it was all finished then i spent 6 bucks on a taxi and went to bed in my semi empty room. Pretty depressing.
I should be leaving for work now..
And i'm still going by my last post.
I want it.

arrivederci as Ricky Recardo would always say.
Besides "Luucccy you've got some splannin ta do!"

But seriously i'm splitting.

I'm addicted

I will admit to say. to the thought or actually to it i do not know.
I think about it way too often.
Every day at the moment.
It's nice when it's around, but that is not always.
That doesn't make me sad. Just makes me want it more.
Makes me feel enthralled.
I'm thinking about it right now.
Hopefully it will be around me very soon.
Who knows. Maybe i'm just going mad.
Both possible situations.

Interesting.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1090/the_last_correspondence_of_ed_wood.html?cat=33

Solitude is drunk.

My friend is a very, very clever young man.


Solitude is drunk,
Poetry written in solitude is drunk,
Love in solitude is drunk,
Dreams in solitude are drunk.

Gazing at a nights poetry through a hazy glass
When the twilight is bruised,
By the dreary light of day,
All that is left are drunken linear grooves,
Sunken, is a familiar poison.

A man so drunk that he cannot love another,
Hung by his own will for the crime of starvation,
Only time will remind him that in love,
He is still alone.

Dreams are drunk in solitude,
Policed by Walt Whitman,
And dreamt by a dreamer,
So ill that it swells and kisses the good morning.

Then to awake in solitude,
And to untangle the poetry,
There sits Walt Whitman, with a bottle and glass saying
"Seize the day...Seize the day!”

Drage Lyon.



Today is going to be as lame as toast with no butter.
Rammstein playing in the background of my house is only the beginning!

The cat creeps

On my finger that is, but that photo deserves to be displayed yet again.
My friend bought a tattoo gun recently and offered to tattoo me last night. Took me a while to think of something that i wanted him to do that wouldn't be difficult (seems though he only just started) and so i came up with a motif of a cat for my index finger. I didn't want anything big either at first because let's face it, my pain tolerance is pretty low and it was my first tattoo.
Strangely enough it felt really really good at first, it's not sheer pain at all. I was yelling "ow" and laughing but that's just the way i deal with that kind of feeling. I would say my nose piercing was a lot more painful. But eh. So yeah, i now have a cat living on my finger. I think it's cute. In a non lame cute kind of way. I love cats, so it made sense.
I certainly didn't expect my evening to be like it did.

Besides that, not much has happened. Was incredibly drunk Thursday with that dear fellow again. I like that the event of Thursday evenings seem to be turning into a traditional kind of thing. I was in a despondent mood as well, and the company and time took my mind off it for a while. It was nice.

I'm here now,
dancing to bjork in my room for the last hour.
Not knowing how this evening is going to end, but god i'm liking this right now.


I feel like fish and chips..