I wish i wasn't apart of last night's celebrations. I honestly wish i stayed at home and pretended it wasn't the dawn of a new year. Or to at least just acknowledge that on my own.
I went to a party down the road from my house. Andrew and I agreed that we would still spend New Years together. Which i appreciate very much so. But just being around so many people, who were so damn happy. I couldn't stomach it very well, so when the clock struck twelve; i didn't know how to be anything else but more sad.
A big part of my life has ended, and the new year just set it all in stone for me.
So, that is exactly what i was like at 12 am this morning, just very very sad. Andrew says that when i finally move away is when it's all going to hit him. I hope that is the truth. Which isn't a very nice thing to say, but i guess i just think of it as surely i have made an impact on his life like he has mine?
I do believe him though.
At the same time, i am so hurt and so in love, but i am ready to move. I am ready to heal and just be on my own. I am ready for him to be my closest friend and to cherish that for the rest of my life. I believe that you are meant to know certain people in life. You are meant to love them and care for them. Andrew is one of those people and always will be. Such a beautiful smile and soul, it's impossible not to.
I am looking at an art deco apartment during the week. It is strangely the one Andrew and I had looked at before we moved to 1103. I'm not sure if that is supposed to have some kind of spooky meaning, but i do love the building. Fingers crossed the building likes me!
I suppose i should get onto thinking of some resolutions too..
The only one that comes to mind so far is to never put anything off, and follow everything through!
Perhaps i will think of more and write about them.
Until then i am just a sad sucker trying to be happy about something that is so sad.
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