To my best friend.

It took me a long time, but i guess i have to start some where. Hopefully you can hear what's being said at first :)

1:05 am. A week has gone by

on the morning when I woke up without you for the first time,
I felt free.
and I felt lonely.
and I felt scared.
and I began to talk to myself almost immediately,
not being used to being the only person there.
hmmmm

the first time I made coffee for just myself,
I made too much of it.
but I drank it all,
just 'cause you hate it when I let things go to waste.
and I wandered through the house, like a little boy lost at the mall.
and an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space.

and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?

on the morning when I woke up without you for the first time,
I was cold, so I put on a sweater.
and I turned up the heat.
and the walls began to close in
and I felt so sad and frightened,
I practically ran from the living room out into the street.

and the wind began to blow and all the trees began to bend.
and the world in its cold way started coming alive.
and I stood there like a businessman waiting for a train.
and I got ready for the future to arrive.

and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?



One day has yet to go by where i haven't wanted to just call and talk to you. And not one day will ever go by where i don't miss you and i don't love you, because i always will.
I hope you're well.

I digress

I can be so horrible. It is no ones fault but my own that i push the people i love away from me.

"All good things come to an end" First posted on the 31st of August 2010

I first wrote this entry on the 31st of August 2010

"Today i made a decision.
A mutual decision with someone else, that we could no longer continue interacting the way we were.
It is one of those decisions that no one ever wants to make.
But it is for the better. That is what we have decided to tell each other.
And it is, really. There is no point in ignoring what you're feeling. Not like that. And not when you're in love with someone. It's simply unfair to do that to another human being.
It is such a loss, but such a major gain. That is what i said this afternoon over a laminate table and divine breakfast. The look of despair hung heavy in their eyes like wet clothes on a line. And the topic sat in a big lump in my throat.

I know that we have such a special friendship. I can't stress that enough.

I don't want to think about not having them around. They are too dear.
I just hope that they can see soon enough that this bond of a friendship between two people is far greater, and that if we continued to fall the way we did, we wouldn't even have the friendship that i hold so highly.

At the end of the day, i can't change the way i feel. It does not mean that they don't mean any less what so ever.
This person has experienced the best and absolute worse of me in such little time. They managed to pry me open and i welcomed that. I can tell them anything.
I look forward to the many days that we will still spend, sharing what we love and know in this ridiculous world.

I don't think i have met many people in my life that i believe to be kindred spirits with. Perhaps one. Definitely one. The kind that just knowing them makes you the happiest gal alive. I think this person is one of them. So make that two. I hope that feeling is mutual at least.


I left them this afternoon feeling that lump only getting bigger.

There is so much more to say. The kind of subject that has no more of a conclusion than the obvious one in front of you. And it will all be said,
when we meet again to share as we do, what we love and know; in such a ridiculous, silly world"

It is now the 17th of January 2012
It all seems to strange to read this. But all i know is it truly breaks my heart. I wish i could feel that positivity that i had when i wrote this back then. All i feel now is just sadness.

I'm so hurt by everything. Andrew continues to say how much space he wants when it's so easy for him to just go out and leave but he doesn't. I have spent so much time walking around him and i just don't need to anymore. I will be gone in 5 days and all i want is to just be happy in what is still MY HOME. I am terrified of moving and terrified of being alone there and all i want is to feel his support when all i feel is him just waiting for me to leave. I want to leave too, it's just as hard for me, but i dont think he sees it that way. It's sickening and i just want to disappear.

Don't go to strangers

Build your dreams to the stars above
But when you need someone to love
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
Play with fire till your fingers burn
And when there's no place for you to turn
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
For, when you hear a call to follow your heart
You'll follow your heart I know
I've been through it all, for I'm an old hand
And I'll understand if you go
So...
Make your mark for your friends to see
But when you need more than company
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me

Last night i dreamt...

That someone told me that i was a beautiful writer, and that they wanted to publish some of the things i had done. I was so happy. Then i woke up.

WHEN WILL IT BEGIN?

I am so unhappy with myself.
I have no inner peace right now and all i want to do is just run away. Even though i know that won't do anything.
Why can't it just be easy for me as well? Why am i left to feel like i am so easy to replace and erase?

Come on universe, i just want to be fucking happy. I want to be as happy as i was a year ago, when everything was so perfect.
I am begging someone, something to just be that happy again. Even just a notion.
Because it is getting far too hard to pretend every day that "I'm ok, really. i'll be fine. I'm tough".

WHAT NOW

I don't understand. What am i supposed to do with all this fucking love that i have if i can't even show it? Why am i now just left with this? This is the one hurdle i don't know how to get over. I am stuck.

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." -C.S. Lewis

word for word, oh lord!

You made me leave my happy home
You took my love and now you're gone
Since I fell for you

Love brings such misery and pain
I guess I'll never be the same
Since I fell for you

It's too bad, It's too sad
I'm in love with you
You loved me, then you snubbed me
But what can I do
I'm still in love with you

I guess I'll never see the light
I get the blues 'bout every night
Since I fell for you

It's too bad, It's too sad
I'm in love with you
You loved me, then you snubbed me
But what can I do
I'm still in love with you

I guess I'll never see the light
I get the blues 'bout every night
Since I fell for you.

Happy fucking new year.

I wish i wasn't apart of last night's celebrations. I honestly wish i stayed at home and pretended it wasn't the dawn of a new year. Or to at least just acknowledge that on my own.

I went to a party down the road from my house. Andrew and I agreed that we would still spend New Years together. Which i appreciate very much so. But just being around so many people, who were so damn happy. I couldn't stomach it very well, so when the clock struck twelve; i didn't know how to be anything else but more sad.

A big part of my life has ended, and the new year just set it all in stone for me.
So, that is exactly what i was like at 12 am this morning, just very very sad. Andrew says that when i finally move away is when it's all going to hit him. I hope that is the truth. Which isn't a very nice thing to say, but i guess i just think of it as surely i have made an impact on his life like he has mine?

I do believe him though.

At the same time, i am so hurt and so in love, but i am ready to move. I am ready to heal and just be on my own. I am ready for him to be my closest friend and to cherish that for the rest of my life. I believe that you are meant to know certain people in life. You are meant to love them and care for them. Andrew is one of those people and always will be. Such a beautiful smile and soul, it's impossible not to.

I am looking at an art deco apartment during the week. It is strangely the one Andrew and I had looked at before we moved to 1103. I'm not sure if that is supposed to have some kind of spooky meaning, but i do love the building. Fingers crossed the building likes me!

I suppose i should get onto thinking of some resolutions too..
The only one that comes to mind so far is to never put anything off, and follow everything through!

Perhaps i will think of more and write about them.

Until then i am just a sad sucker trying to be happy about something that is so sad.