Please, go away.

I can't handle seeing you anymore.
Don't come up to me and touch me. It's not fair.
I don't want to see what you're thinking, or what you're doing.
I was too civil about the whole thing, so now it is too hard to face you.
Please, just got away.
I never wanted it to be like this.

The Red Shoes

I may have written about this before, but oh well i don't care.
My Grandmother showed me this film when i was 4, and ever since i have thought it was the most magical, terrifying and beautiful thing i have ever seen. The shop-keeper will always be the scariest/most intriguing man on earth.
Every scene in this movie is amazing. the Ballet scenes themselves were so ahead of their times and flawless. It is highly recognised for intergrating the common trivialities that a ballet dancer would face, and the stage performance itself.
God, and the costumes! incredible!
i always loved a particular scene in the ballet performance where Robert Helpmann is somewhat a man made from newspaper.
If you don't respect the beauty of Ballet then you are a fool. It is one of the most exquisite forms of artistic expression that will ever exist. So really, it is your loss.
Perhaps watch this film or if you are lucky enough, go see the Ballet itself and maybe your views will change!

P.S i think i have always had a crush on Robert Helpmann.

Something happened.

Sunday has just passed.
I partook in the next installment of Varietease. This event was to raise money for a very worthy organisation that raises money for women in war torn countries to well, basically live a life they deserve.
At first i believed that i almost shouldn't have been apart of this event. Being so young it almost made me feel that i have yet to understand the power and understanding that went into the statements that were intending to be sent across to viewers.
A talented woman named Hannah Morgaine gave a speech closer to the end of the show. Her speech reminded me of the importance of what myself and other woman were doing that day. Her words were powerful and eye opening, and i can proudly say that i was one of the women she was speaking for on behalf.

I did my act. I was not proud of it but i did it. I guess i will leave it at that.
By the end of the show all i cared about was what i had witnessed in Iskra Valentine's Performance.
Iskra was born and grew up in Pakistan until she moved to Australia in 2003. Her performance was about Honor killings that Occur in Pakistan and to acknowledge and protest against these barbaric acts of violence against women.
Never doubting the talent that Iskra possesses, i knew that i was in for something good anyway.
But i will say this,
I have never, ever been so incredibly moved in my life. To the point where the only thing i could do was clap as the tears swelled in my eyes. I am still speechless. Perhaps when i finally can gather the words to explain just how important and powerful her performance was, i will repost this blog.

I don't think i can say anything else, besides that i know some incredible, incredible women; and that there is so much we can do in this world. Thank you.

http://www.thedollrag.com/2010/03/la-roux-mental-illness-and-leaving-no.html

It's just the way it is

I can't help feeling the way i do some days.
It is not mind over matter. It's just the way it is.
I am not choosing to be this way. There is nothing i can do.
I don't know why some people can't understand this.

I'd rather have a paper doll that i can call my own

Varietease III Fuck Forever.
Vivian Marlowe- The Love Me or Die

A slight change in the weather.

In these last two days i have noticed little things about myself.
I have changed, just a little though.
I decided to quit my current job. It was only making me more ill than i am already.
That is not the only decision i have made in these last couple of days. Some, seem to have just happened without me knowing, i like that.
I'm taking more time to do my hair in the morning, that is a sign for me. A sign that tells me that i slowly, very slowly, being my old self again. I am caring again.
I wake up early and i make myself breakfast, i sit and eat it in my solitude. I spend evenings on my own. I am feeling comfortable in my old skin again.

Yesterday i came home in the early evening to find that i received a letter from my gorgeous friend. I was aware she was sending me a selection of music, but found a lot more than just that. She had written beautiful words that as i read down, brought tears to my eyes. I was reminded of how lucky i am to have such a grand friendship, and should never forget that.

It also made me realise how much i do really need to get my act together.Knowing that i have such a wonderful friendship waiting for me only encourages me to do so. Same goes for the need to make it to another part of the world as soon as i can for another incredible person i know. Friends are so ever important.

I feel just from slipping on a good pair of hose today, i know that i am back on my horse.

Sure, all these things may seem like such small little steps, but that is what my beautiful friend said to me. Small steps are very important, and i believe she is right.

Oh miss Marlowe, you feel so old but not very wise.

The promise land

Taken by a beautiful friend of mine. Soon, i continue to tell myself. Soon.

Last night I was in heaven

I saw my old gypsies. I was surrounded by people I love and missed. We sat in my old favourite place, drank and conversed. I was home. It was bliss.

And then I woke up.

stirred emotions

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for.
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore.
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.


I miss you.

If I didn't care

If I didn't care more than words can say
If I didn't care would I feel this way?
If this isn't love then why do I thrill?
And what makes my head go 'round and 'round
While my heart stands still?

If I didn't care would it be the same?
Would my ev'ry prayer begin and end with just your name?
And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare?
Would all this be true if I didn't care for you?

a collection of memories

http://www.tristandavies.com/siahneroom.htm

I remember once,

I was sitting in my old house in Fremantle, playing with a doll on the floor in the lounge room.
My mum came and sat beside me and told me how she loved playing with dolls when she was young. She then said "I wish i never had grown up"
I was suddenly saddened by what she said. I remember it distinctly.

I now understand exactly how she felt when she said that, and i couldn't agree more.
I don't think i want to play this game anymore.

When i think about it.

i don't think i can do this.
I need to stay focused.
But you thrill me.
I have plans.
I said i wouldn't.
But you excite me right down to my bones.

My dearest Jon,

This is the same post from a while back. i just needed to change the title. There is no need to pretend that i don't want them to know it's for them. I'm not asking for attention in this sense, i just need to do this for myself.
Written on the 2nd of Feb 2010.
I thought i could handle what was going on. But in all honesty i am wrong.
Every time i see you, the feeling in the pit of my stomach is unbearable.
When i see you with her, i am furious and so hurt at the same time. All i want is to spend time with you again but she's stuck onto you like a leech.
Surely you know that she is taking advantage of you. I know you do. You just don't seem to care.
It's not fair. That's what i am constantly telling myself. It's not fair that i was brushed off like some fallen leaf simply because what was happening couldn't continue. Only to find out that you had an understudy waiting in the wings anyway.
You say to me that it is hard for you too, that i do not understand. While you sleep with someone else for your own simple gain of filling a unnecessary need, do you still think that this is difficult for you as well?
Or have i been played for a fool again?
You make me so angry, that i decided to give one More chance to this society that i have to be apart of, only to have this happen to me.
I want to be your friend. But you make it too hard. You tell me that she means nothing. I don't believe you anymore.
I don't want to have to worry that when i see you she will be there. I want to scream when she is, and has the to nerve just to walk off in the distance. Or to even sit down!
I deserve better than to have a friendship based on such ridiculous terms.
Friendship, there it is again.
That's all i ask of you.
Why is it that everyone around me is so self absorbed, that sex overrules everything?
I told you today that i don't think you have the time to be my friend anymore.
I wish i wasn't right.

This, is what has taken so much precious time from me in the last few months.
And so i say it again. No more.

I leave soon, i won't forget about you.
And i doubt i'll forget about this.