Everything is Illuminated

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."

Relentlessly restless

I am leaving this harbour
Giving urban a farewell
Its habitants seem to keen on God
I cannot stomach their rights and wrongs

I have lost my origin
And I don't want to find it again
Whether sailing into nature's laws
And be held by ocean's paws

Wanderlust! relentlessly craving
Wanderlust! peel off the layers
Until we get to the core

Did I imagine it would be like this?
Was it something like this I wished for?
Or will I want more?

Lust for comfort
Suffocates the soul
Relentless restlessness
Liberates me (sets me free)

I feel at home
Whenever the unknown surrounds me
I receive its embrace
Aboard my floating house

Wanderlust! relentlessly craving
Wanderlust! peel off the layers
Until we get to the core

Did I imagine it would be like this?
Was it something like this I wished for?
Or will I want more?

Wanderlust! from island to island
Wanderlust! united in movement
Wonderful! I'm joined with you

Wanderlust!

Can you spot a pattern?

(relentlessly restless)

Please, not again.

Why is this happening again?
I'm in too deep now.
I don't know how to stop feeling like this and no one is around that i can ask for help.
I can't stop crying and twitching. I'm so scared of absolutely nothing.
I found a cat who had been hit by a car and left on the side of the road this evening, he was still alive. We took him to the veterinary hospital but i don't know if he will live.. This has not helped what is happening to me right now.
Then again, i felt like this last night too. But i was out so i simply couldn't do anything but stand there.
Why is this happening? I just want to feel normal. I just want to sleep and wake up feeling alright.

The 19th of Feb. 11:18 pm

"You are the rare treat, found only inside the rare box you find under the stairs that your grandmother left years ago when she was young... full of all her special things... like old photos, her favourite special rings, the locket you remember seeing around her neck in photos your mum has of her, that box... your inside one of those. and that's Awesome.
If i think that after a combined 20mins of conversation spread out over months... then think what everyone else must think."

This hit me hard. I believe that some things are said to a person that they will never forget.
This is one of them.

Thank you so much, really.

i digress

I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last

My heart should be well-schooled
'Cause I've been FOOLED in the past
And still I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast

Have to drive.

I suffer mornings most of all

I feel so powerless and small

By ten o'clock i'm back in bed

Fighting the jury in my head

Spoilt rotten

Today i was awoken with a kiss,
Chet playing in the background
And Eggs Benedict on the table.
Now that, is how a Saturday morning should always be.

Ray Ceaser, I love you.

Do yourself a favour.
A pleasure for the eyes!

http://www.raycaesar.com/work

Oh Imelda May!

Last night i was fortunate enough to experience the greatness that is Imelda May.
I didn't actually know she was even coming until last Saturday so i was pretty lucky to grab myself a ticket and head down to the Flyby Night club in Fremantle.
There was a lot of friendly faces that i knew and we were all very eager to see what Imelda had install for us.
I gotta admit, i didn't really like the support band. I thought it was a little strange to have someone support who's genre was totally different to the main act to the point where you would expect a lot of people not to enjoy it, but oh well. They weren't bad, just not my cup of tea.

But then there she was, in all her glory. It's the first time i have seen Imelda May live and i am still utterly amazed. She was incredible. So clean and so bad ass! I was lucky enough to grab a dance with a swell guy and then twisted the rest of the gig away with my lovely friends.

Dublin born Imelda has a real Rhythm and blues kind of sound to her. Touching on rockabilly from time to time. Her voice is incredibly powerful and totally sexy. I can happily say i was swoonin' over her for most of the gig. One song in particular she did was beautiful. She told us a story about how she knew a woman who had been happily married ever since she was 16. who talked to her husband every single day despite the fact he had died a couple of years ago. Saying that even though no one could see him, perhaps he really was there. This tied into the next song called Knock 1 23. It tells of someone secretly meeting with their lover and being engrossed in their love. It was magical! the trumpet simply made me melt.

She had us swinging away for a little bit more then finished with a brilliant cover of My Baby Left Me and Tainted Love. If it wasn't for the the huge amount of energy that her and her band were expelling i think the whole crowd would have been dead from dancing so much.

I really hope to see her again some time. It is so refreshing to see real talent and entertainment. You can never get enough of rhythm and blues!

I'm afraid to say

I have experienced sides of me over the last few months that i do not like at all.
moments where i cannot control how i move, feel or react to a situation. I'm usually paralysed so to speak and overwhelmingly upset. And by these moments it's usually a situation where i am incredibly exposed and a lot is happening to myself.
It is terrifying. Only a few have witnessed it and i can't give any explanation to them afterwards, only saying "I'm so sorry" over and over again.
I wish i could fix it. But i really don't know how.

I know i am sick. And i know that sometimes i can not get out of bed for a few days. When this "turn" happens, i am straight back into bed. I don't have the energy to face the day. It goes away eventually.

I am very afraid to say though, that i am beginning to think that the only way i can over come this is if i go through it alone. I know a lot of people would think that would be the worst idea, but i just don't know. At least if these weird, freak outs occur on my own, i can just sort it out and not have to go through the embarrassing aftermath of apologising for being crazy. At the same time, i don't want to give up what i have with someone just for something like this.

I really don't know what to do. I have told doctors and all they say is to just take it easy and ingest said drugs. I'm over it. I'm over being tired and feeling sick and being afraid to be totally and utterly open and comfortable with someone just in case i turn.

I hope they understand why i feel like this.

Oh my goodness

I am totally in love and obsessed with this song.
I can not for the life of me get it out of my head!

waking hour

I miss the smell of the rain
The smell of nostalgia
The smell of my bed
The smell of my cupboard, and it's small drawers where i would hide my pay.
The smell of raisin toast when i'd come home.
The smell of real food.
The smell of the students downstairs, wafting into the bathroom.
The smell of the sea.

I miss the feeling of the cold morning seeping through the cracks of my window
The feeling of new sheets
The feeling of ever changing weather on my skin
The feeling of fur
The feeling of hard times and simple pleasures
The feeling of happiness
The feeling of wholeness
The feeling of excitement
The feeling of it all falling into place.

I miss everything.