Saturday, April 7, 2012
Congratulations
You got me. I am officialy all at sea. Every single thought i have of you is poisonous and i am falling apart. The only solution? To completely eliminate you from my life, and that is the last thing i ever, ever wanted to do. Universe, Higher entity, shed some fucking light on me, because all i want to do right now is go to sleep and stay that way.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I'm dreaming of the man i love
Every day I feel you a little further away from me, and with each day i miss you more and more and only wish i were closer. Will this ever end? I do not know.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Heavy hangs the head, that once wore the crown.
first love is but the sweetest despair.
And boy, am i in despair.
And boy, am i in despair.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
A change in the weather.
It is starting to get cooler here. Satin pyjamas can be worn again, and the slight feeling of a chill on your skin welcomes you in the morning.
With this feeling, comes so much nostalgia. My life right now is filled with endless scores and stories of Jazz and the lives that inhabited it during it's prime.
I see the one i love most quite a lot at the moment. It makes me happy. Very happy. That friendship is one of the most important values in my life, it lifts me up.
I feel a lot of love right now, i think. Or is it just bliss? i have many things to be stressed about, but right now, after such a lovely day of 1920s inspired fashion and a delicious breakfast, of swing dancing and Billie echoing through my house, i couldn't care less.
I suppose i am too content with just being alive and feeling this music, now is not the time to really explain how i feel.
I love.
I love jazz and i love the people close to me.
What else do i need?
With this feeling, comes so much nostalgia. My life right now is filled with endless scores and stories of Jazz and the lives that inhabited it during it's prime.
I see the one i love most quite a lot at the moment. It makes me happy. Very happy. That friendship is one of the most important values in my life, it lifts me up.
I feel a lot of love right now, i think. Or is it just bliss? i have many things to be stressed about, but right now, after such a lovely day of 1920s inspired fashion and a delicious breakfast, of swing dancing and Billie echoing through my house, i couldn't care less.
I suppose i am too content with just being alive and feeling this music, now is not the time to really explain how i feel.
I love.
I love jazz and i love the people close to me.
What else do i need?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
THIS
This small part out of one of the greatest stories i have ever read, will continue to just ring through on my life.
"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."
"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."
Friday, February 17, 2012
Our trials and tribulations
So, we are back to square one.
I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I wish it was the same for you as it is for me.
But i will wait. The only time i will be patient for anyone and that is only for you.
There is far too much love for this to be easy.
But i will wait.
I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I wish it was the same for you as it is for me.
But i will wait. The only time i will be patient for anyone and that is only for you.
There is far too much love for this to be easy.
But i will wait.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Light shines through my window
I lie in my bed at 2:11 am.
The air is still and warm. I can feel that fine layer of cold sweat on my neck and legs as my fan blows effortlessly towards my bed.
I stare at all the beautiful soft lights that shine through my window, casting pink, orange and light grey shapes of the pane onto my walls. The dark shadows of the tree branches dance amongst these squares, caused by the light breeze that flows outside.
Erik Satie is softly playing, and i can't help but find myself drenched in nostalgia.
the imagery of lying next to the one i love, in my old room, makes itself comfortable in my mind. The blue moon peering through the sky light.
I can almost feel them lying next to me again. Their smell. Somehow, it brings me peace.
For a very small moment, i don't feel so alone, sleeping with my memories.
The air is still and warm. I can feel that fine layer of cold sweat on my neck and legs as my fan blows effortlessly towards my bed.
I stare at all the beautiful soft lights that shine through my window, casting pink, orange and light grey shapes of the pane onto my walls. The dark shadows of the tree branches dance amongst these squares, caused by the light breeze that flows outside.
Erik Satie is softly playing, and i can't help but find myself drenched in nostalgia.
the imagery of lying next to the one i love, in my old room, makes itself comfortable in my mind. The blue moon peering through the sky light.
I can almost feel them lying next to me again. Their smell. Somehow, it brings me peace.
For a very small moment, i don't feel so alone, sleeping with my memories.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Memories
This evening i was reminded of memories i shared. Wonderful, beautiful memories. When i think of them, tears come to my eyes and a smile to my lips. So many exquisitely sad memories that i will never, ever forget.
Monday, January 30, 2012
To my best friend.
It took me a long time, but i guess i have to start some where. Hopefully you can hear what's being said at first :)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
1:05 am. A week has gone by
on the morning when I woke up without you for the first time,
I felt free.
and I felt lonely.
and I felt scared.
and I began to talk to myself almost immediately,
not being used to being the only person there.
hmmmm
the first time I made coffee for just myself,
I made too much of it.
but I drank it all,
just 'cause you hate it when I let things go to waste.
and I wandered through the house, like a little boy lost at the mall.
and an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space.
and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?
on the morning when I woke up without you for the first time,
I was cold, so I put on a sweater.
and I turned up the heat.
and the walls began to close in
and I felt so sad and frightened,
I practically ran from the living room out into the street.
and the wind began to blow and all the trees began to bend.
and the world in its cold way started coming alive.
and I stood there like a businessman waiting for a train.
and I got ready for the future to arrive.
and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?
One day has yet to go by where i haven't wanted to just call and talk to you. And not one day will ever go by where i don't miss you and i don't love you, because i always will.
I hope you're well.
I felt free.
and I felt lonely.
and I felt scared.
and I began to talk to myself almost immediately,
not being used to being the only person there.
hmmmm
the first time I made coffee for just myself,
I made too much of it.
but I drank it all,
just 'cause you hate it when I let things go to waste.
and I wandered through the house, like a little boy lost at the mall.
and an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space.
and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?
on the morning when I woke up without you for the first time,
I was cold, so I put on a sweater.
and I turned up the heat.
and the walls began to close in
and I felt so sad and frightened,
I practically ran from the living room out into the street.
and the wind began to blow and all the trees began to bend.
and the world in its cold way started coming alive.
and I stood there like a businessman waiting for a train.
and I got ready for the future to arrive.
and I sang oh
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do?
what do I do without you?
One day has yet to go by where i haven't wanted to just call and talk to you. And not one day will ever go by where i don't miss you and i don't love you, because i always will.
I hope you're well.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I digress
I can be so horrible. It is no ones fault but my own that i push the people i love away from me.
"All good things come to an end" First posted on the 31st of August 2010
I first wrote this entry on the 31st of August 2010
"Today i made a decision.
A mutual decision with someone else, that we could no longer continue interacting the way we were.
It is one of those decisions that no one ever wants to make.
But it is for the better. That is what we have decided to tell each other.
And it is, really. There is no point in ignoring what you're feeling. Not like that. And not when you're in love with someone. It's simply unfair to do that to another human being.
It is such a loss, but such a major gain. That is what i said this afternoon over a laminate table and divine breakfast. The look of despair hung heavy in their eyes like wet clothes on a line. And the topic sat in a big lump in my throat.
I know that we have such a special friendship. I can't stress that enough.
I don't want to think about not having them around. They are too dear.
I just hope that they can see soon enough that this bond of a friendship between two people is far greater, and that if we continued to fall the way we did, we wouldn't even have the friendship that i hold so highly.
At the end of the day, i can't change the way i feel. It does not mean that they don't mean any less what so ever.
This person has experienced the best and absolute worse of me in such little time. They managed to pry me open and i welcomed that. I can tell them anything.
I look forward to the many days that we will still spend, sharing what we love and know in this ridiculous world.
I don't think i have met many people in my life that i believe to be kindred spirits with. Perhaps one. Definitely one. The kind that just knowing them makes you the happiest gal alive. I think this person is one of them. So make that two. I hope that feeling is mutual at least.
I left them this afternoon feeling that lump only getting bigger.
There is so much more to say. The kind of subject that has no more of a conclusion than the obvious one in front of you. And it will all be said,
when we meet again to share as we do, what we love and know; in such a ridiculous, silly world"
It is now the 17th of January 2012
It all seems to strange to read this. But all i know is it truly breaks my heart. I wish i could feel that positivity that i had when i wrote this back then. All i feel now is just sadness.
"Today i made a decision.
A mutual decision with someone else, that we could no longer continue interacting the way we were.
It is one of those decisions that no one ever wants to make.
But it is for the better. That is what we have decided to tell each other.
And it is, really. There is no point in ignoring what you're feeling. Not like that. And not when you're in love with someone. It's simply unfair to do that to another human being.
It is such a loss, but such a major gain. That is what i said this afternoon over a laminate table and divine breakfast. The look of despair hung heavy in their eyes like wet clothes on a line. And the topic sat in a big lump in my throat.
I know that we have such a special friendship. I can't stress that enough.
I don't want to think about not having them around. They are too dear.
I just hope that they can see soon enough that this bond of a friendship between two people is far greater, and that if we continued to fall the way we did, we wouldn't even have the friendship that i hold so highly.
At the end of the day, i can't change the way i feel. It does not mean that they don't mean any less what so ever.
This person has experienced the best and absolute worse of me in such little time. They managed to pry me open and i welcomed that. I can tell them anything.
I look forward to the many days that we will still spend, sharing what we love and know in this ridiculous world.
I don't think i have met many people in my life that i believe to be kindred spirits with. Perhaps one. Definitely one. The kind that just knowing them makes you the happiest gal alive. I think this person is one of them. So make that two. I hope that feeling is mutual at least.
I left them this afternoon feeling that lump only getting bigger.
There is so much more to say. The kind of subject that has no more of a conclusion than the obvious one in front of you. And it will all be said,
when we meet again to share as we do, what we love and know; in such a ridiculous, silly world"
It is now the 17th of January 2012
It all seems to strange to read this. But all i know is it truly breaks my heart. I wish i could feel that positivity that i had when i wrote this back then. All i feel now is just sadness.
Monday, January 16, 2012
I'm so hurt by everything. Andrew continues to say how much space he wants when it's so easy for him to just go out and leave but he doesn't. I have spent so much time walking around him and i just don't need to anymore. I will be gone in 5 days and all i want is to just be happy in what is still MY HOME. I am terrified of moving and terrified of being alone there and all i want is to feel his support when all i feel is him just waiting for me to leave. I want to leave too, it's just as hard for me, but i dont think he sees it that way. It's sickening and i just want to disappear.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Don't go to strangers
Build your dreams to the stars above
But when you need someone to love
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
Play with fire till your fingers burn
And when there's no place for you to turn
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
For, when you hear a call to follow your heart
You'll follow your heart I know
I've been through it all, for I'm an old hand
And I'll understand if you go
So...
Make your mark for your friends to see
But when you need more than company
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
But when you need someone to love
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
Play with fire till your fingers burn
And when there's no place for you to turn
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
For, when you hear a call to follow your heart
You'll follow your heart I know
I've been through it all, for I'm an old hand
And I'll understand if you go
So...
Make your mark for your friends to see
But when you need more than company
Don't go to strangers, darling, come to me
Last night i dreamt...
That someone told me that i was a beautiful writer, and that they wanted to publish some of the things i had done. I was so happy. Then i woke up.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
WHEN WILL IT BEGIN?
I am so unhappy with myself.
I have no inner peace right now and all i want to do is just run away. Even though i know that won't do anything.
Why can't it just be easy for me as well? Why am i left to feel like i am so easy to replace and erase?
Come on universe, i just want to be fucking happy. I want to be as happy as i was a year ago, when everything was so perfect.
I am begging someone, something to just be that happy again. Even just a notion.
Because it is getting far too hard to pretend every day that "I'm ok, really. i'll be fine. I'm tough".
I have no inner peace right now and all i want to do is just run away. Even though i know that won't do anything.
Why can't it just be easy for me as well? Why am i left to feel like i am so easy to replace and erase?
Come on universe, i just want to be fucking happy. I want to be as happy as i was a year ago, when everything was so perfect.
I am begging someone, something to just be that happy again. Even just a notion.
Because it is getting far too hard to pretend every day that "I'm ok, really. i'll be fine. I'm tough".
Friday, January 6, 2012
WHAT NOW
I don't understand. What am i supposed to do with all this fucking love that i have if i can't even show it? Why am i now just left with this? This is the one hurdle i don't know how to get over. I am stuck.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
word for word, oh lord!
You made me leave my happy home
You took my love and now you're gone
Since I fell for you
Love brings such misery and pain
I guess I'll never be the same
Since I fell for you
It's too bad, It's too sad
I'm in love with you
You loved me, then you snubbed me
But what can I do
I'm still in love with you
I guess I'll never see the light
I get the blues 'bout every night
Since I fell for you
It's too bad, It's too sad
I'm in love with you
You loved me, then you snubbed me
But what can I do
I'm still in love with you
I guess I'll never see the light
I get the blues 'bout every night
Since I fell for you.
You took my love and now you're gone
Since I fell for you
Love brings such misery and pain
I guess I'll never be the same
Since I fell for you
It's too bad, It's too sad
I'm in love with you
You loved me, then you snubbed me
But what can I do
I'm still in love with you
I guess I'll never see the light
I get the blues 'bout every night
Since I fell for you
It's too bad, It's too sad
I'm in love with you
You loved me, then you snubbed me
But what can I do
I'm still in love with you
I guess I'll never see the light
I get the blues 'bout every night
Since I fell for you.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy fucking new year.
I wish i wasn't apart of last night's celebrations. I honestly wish i stayed at home and pretended it wasn't the dawn of a new year. Or to at least just acknowledge that on my own.
I went to a party down the road from my house. Andrew and I agreed that we would still spend New Years together. Which i appreciate very much so. But just being around so many people, who were so damn happy. I couldn't stomach it very well, so when the clock struck twelve; i didn't know how to be anything else but more sad.
A big part of my life has ended, and the new year just set it all in stone for me.
So, that is exactly what i was like at 12 am this morning, just very very sad. Andrew says that when i finally move away is when it's all going to hit him. I hope that is the truth. Which isn't a very nice thing to say, but i guess i just think of it as surely i have made an impact on his life like he has mine?
I do believe him though.
At the same time, i am so hurt and so in love, but i am ready to move. I am ready to heal and just be on my own. I am ready for him to be my closest friend and to cherish that for the rest of my life. I believe that you are meant to know certain people in life. You are meant to love them and care for them. Andrew is one of those people and always will be. Such a beautiful smile and soul, it's impossible not to.
I am looking at an art deco apartment during the week. It is strangely the one Andrew and I had looked at before we moved to 1103. I'm not sure if that is supposed to have some kind of spooky meaning, but i do love the building. Fingers crossed the building likes me!
I suppose i should get onto thinking of some resolutions too..
The only one that comes to mind so far is to never put anything off, and follow everything through!
Perhaps i will think of more and write about them.
Until then i am just a sad sucker trying to be happy about something that is so sad.
I went to a party down the road from my house. Andrew and I agreed that we would still spend New Years together. Which i appreciate very much so. But just being around so many people, who were so damn happy. I couldn't stomach it very well, so when the clock struck twelve; i didn't know how to be anything else but more sad.
A big part of my life has ended, and the new year just set it all in stone for me.
So, that is exactly what i was like at 12 am this morning, just very very sad. Andrew says that when i finally move away is when it's all going to hit him. I hope that is the truth. Which isn't a very nice thing to say, but i guess i just think of it as surely i have made an impact on his life like he has mine?
I do believe him though.
At the same time, i am so hurt and so in love, but i am ready to move. I am ready to heal and just be on my own. I am ready for him to be my closest friend and to cherish that for the rest of my life. I believe that you are meant to know certain people in life. You are meant to love them and care for them. Andrew is one of those people and always will be. Such a beautiful smile and soul, it's impossible not to.
I am looking at an art deco apartment during the week. It is strangely the one Andrew and I had looked at before we moved to 1103. I'm not sure if that is supposed to have some kind of spooky meaning, but i do love the building. Fingers crossed the building likes me!
I suppose i should get onto thinking of some resolutions too..
The only one that comes to mind so far is to never put anything off, and follow everything through!
Perhaps i will think of more and write about them.
Until then i am just a sad sucker trying to be happy about something that is so sad.
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