I've lost it

The creative impulse that is.
No surprise though really, is it. I have only been back a few days and already i am so despondent. Perth has welcomed me with a very cold shoulder, and i couldn't care less.
It's funny how much a city can make an impact on you. I do not care how stupid people may think i sound, but i am drawn to that city. I feel whole and full of life. Here, on the other hand; makes me feel so pissed off with the world and careless. I don't care about most things at all right now. Which is horrible!
In two days i begin the daily 9-5 job. A wise man once said that a working class hero is something to be. I'm not too sure if i agree with that.
It's money though. Money to finally get me back in the sweet arms of that town.
That is what i tell myself every morning when i wake up.

Fairwell, Emerald city.

This doesn't feel real;
Sitting at this cold airport.
Goodbye dear city, Hello lifeless and limp Perth. You weren't missed.

i wear my heart on my sleeve.

Its a terrible thing to do.
And i remember that every time.

Fools will be fools.

Who are you foolin' kid?

I am trying to suss something out, for myself. And i think i finally concluded it today.
Yet when trying to explaining to anyone else, i become tongue tied. I'm extremely curious as to why this is so. Despite the fact it is continually drumming through my head at the moment, being provoked by the things i continue to read; perhaps i am still not certain myself?

Or maybe all of this is just my brain is moving too fast right now. Right now i am having to go back to things i have typed because i have missed out whole words.
I am very distressed about moving home. Constantly thinking about how much has changed and how much i have changed in the eyes of others. I mean really, why does it matter?

There is oh so much to do.

Time to pack.

I thought i really would never see the day. Well it was my plan atleast.
i will now attempt to pack up the last 6 months of my life into a suitcase. Hold all applause to the end please, my dears.

Last night,

I met Sir Michael Caine. He told me it was a pleasure to have met me.
Sadly i then woke up. It was all a dream.

Sing went the strings of my heart.

My day today, was beautiful.
I lounged around until late then got dressed when i felt like it. I went outside to discover what a lovely day it was. The sun was so nice and warm, but it wasn't hot. Eventually, i ambled down to the tram stop and got off at Middle Park. It's a suburb fairly close to my house, that pretty much only consists of Victorian terrace houses. It's beautiful. There is a cafe in the old train station office along the track which i decided to check out. Ordering my usual, the man came out and told me that he was "Pretty sure they didn't make soy lattes in 1945" i could only reply with a nervous laugh. There i sat for a few hours trying to finish my book of short stories. It was about 4 by then, so i walked around the streets taking in every amazing building that i laid my eyes on. Then made my way down to the waterside of St Kilda.

I don't usually like the beach, but the sun was just so welcoming; With the slight breath of the sea breeze to keep it from being an uncomfortable warm. Before i knew it, it was half past five; The sun was down and i still hadn't eaten nor finished my book.
But i really don't care, Friday has been a good day.

It's just always a shame when night officially falls and yet again, the feeling of loneliness overcomes me like a bad cold.

I know someone.

Who is tragically beautiful.
They appreciate things in life,
regardless of how many times they lose.
Some times i think that they would be the most perfect person in the world. I didn't, at first.
And even if i have never told them, i really do hope they know; that just having them in my life, makes me the luckiest gal' alive.
I hope to see their face again one day.

Why hello, stranger.

Creative juices! it's been a while!!

Julia Deville is fucking amazing, i am so happy i have seen her work in person. I will go into detail of that later.
After i experienced the wonder that is Deville today, i went to a cafe just to get a coffee (because i can't seem to go a day without it now) and to do a mental recount of what i had just witnessed. There was some fashion magazine resting on my table. So subconsciously, i started to flick through. I have been so unimpressed with the fashion industry lately that i have avoided looking through magazines like this but for once i was amazed. Some of the work that has been produced for the latest season in Europe was beautiful. Finally actual "Wearable art"
And finally, Ideas came back to me. It has been 6 months since i last got to make any kind of garment, and now i am roaring to just make anything. It's so nice when passion comes back to you!
So when i finally return home, there is one project waiting for me to start, that being my Wasamba Costume for the upcoming gigs. Its going to be brilliant. Then hopefully by December there will be a few more productions happening that i can get my dirty little mits into. Lets just hope all this motivation and ideas stays with me.

Creativity, I missed seeing your dear face in my town. You won't go astray again, will you?

"Jazz for Booklovers"

I don't know why i find this song very close to my heart. It never leaves my head. Maybe it was all those times of hearing that man on the Mary Tyler Moore show singing it in my child hood...
But i really do feel the words.

Today i didn't do anything. Saw that damn dreamboat of a man again. exchanged glances, life goes on. Tomorrow i am going to see an exhibit on the Amazing Julia Deville. I am shivering out of my skin, i am that excited.

Until then!

Oh Amanda,

How i love you so.
I cannot sleep again. But the beautiful sounds of Amanda are keeping me happy. There is so much i could be doing. Although this time i don't think i will get in touch with my androgynous side.
In a few weeks, I'm going to be somewhere different again. Back in the familiarity that is my old room. With john and Paul looking over me and my record player next to my bed. But why does it all feel so sad? i feel so at home here, this is where happiness is. One day i am going have lots of money and i am going to buy one of those little apartments that you see in Rippon Lea. And i will have a cat and I'll sit out the front complaining about my bad health, but then contemplate on having another cigarette anyway as i wait for my friend to come over and play bridge with me.

And that is my new years resolution.

That there's tha devil's music that is.

No more trying.

I have decided to give up on trying to keep certain people close.
It's funny how much a person can change simply because they befriend others. Not all the time but for me at least, i have been moved out of the picture of what is considered interesting. Each person that i have been spending my time with over these last months have become very bored of who i am. Simply because i don't participate in copious amounts of drugs every weekend and listen to drum and bass.

I do not take it offensively, I just find it disappointing. I find it hard as it is coming across someone who appreciates my interests and who i am. It makes you lose confidence in wanting to find more people to spend time with. But what is a life without friends? where do we learn life lessons and meet our foes if we do not have friends to begin with?
Mark Twain once said; Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Either way i still love the people i have. Regardless of how far away they are, they are always there to let me bend their ear. It just isn't nice to lose friends regardless i guess.

I shouldn't and will not dwell on this.
On a brighter note i finally replaced my light bulb, ha!
That is pretty much all i did today. I guess i should go cook myself something to eat and finally finish this book!

So this is what i did instead.

I think this is the most fun i have had on my own for a while.

Time waster.

I laid in bed until two today. For no reason.
I hate how much time i waste. I haven't even started trying to write anything yet have complained all night of being bored.

I need mental stimulation!

Train-whistles, sweet clementine
Blueberries dancers in line
Cobwebs, a bakery sign
Oh a sweet clementine
Oh dancers in line
Oh
If living is seeing
I'm holding my breath
In wonder, I wonder
What happens next?
A new world
A new day to see
I'm softly walking on air
Halfway to heaven frontier
Sunlight unfolds in my hair
Oh I'm walking on air
Oh to heaven frontier
Oh
If living is seeing
I'm holding my breath
In wonder, I wonder
What happens next?
A new world
A new day to see
To see...

The sweet smell of freisures.

At about two this morning, i came up with an idea for a story. I'm excited to see how this goes. Knowing my habits at the moment though, it won't go very well. But i might as well try!

My flight has been booked. Soon i will be saying goodbye to the Emerald City. But i will be back soon. let's just hope Perth treats me well.

I have quite a few things to do today, no time to blabber on a blog.

My new/old hat,

Thank you savers.

She's a beauty. I took her out on the town today to see a friend for coffee. An old man came up to me later in the afternoon and said "Are you in the movie business?" I simply laughed then he did too and continued walking. It made my day.

My friend took this as i was having coffee with him. It doesn't do much for my hat, but take my word that she is a keeper.

The rest of my day was spent looking at books. That has become a very popular way to keep myself happy and preoccupied. I always visit the same City Basement Bookstore. I found a book today called "Toxin". It was first published in 1789. Not only was the story lovely (about a countess in Venice losing her heirloom necklace) but the illustrations were amazing. Each separated from the pages with tissue paper, they looked like achromatic water colourings. So eventually, i will go back and buy that book instead of just paying it a visit like i do with most of the others that i find.

Tomorrow I'm going to see what Albert Park is like. I pass it every time i am heading into the city and the old buildings have persuaded me to venture further. Hopefully I'll find somewhere nice to sit about and catch up on some writing I've been working on...

I have a secret on my chest.

That i still shouldn't share. No where is really private anymore.
But i think i can give a hint..to myself really. It might make me feel a little lighter.

I'm jealous of someone. Sure that sounds like nothing. But i am jealous because someone gets to experience something that i desire and can't experience myself. It wouldn't be right nor would it end well. I have to question myself though if i am jealous simply because i am a by-stander when i see this particular person doing what i want?
So maybe i don't really want to at all? Say if i were to have the chance to experience said desire, would i even want it then? Or is it i just want it because i can't have it.

Forbidden fruit.

We always want what we can't have. Yet how can we know that until we try to grab for the forbidden fruit? Will it break off the branch and land in our hands, clasping it up to our lips to get just that little taste. Or, will we be struck down by our conscience, telling us that we knew we couldn't and why must we never do as we are told? leaving the fruit still on it's branch, taunting us yet again.
But then again, i don't think i should even attempt this. Going back to what i was saying. Hopefully this crave to do so dies down. So much for living on the edge.

I begin to wonder that all of this is coming from me being very lonely at the moment. I am definitely very alone right now. I am not surrounded by things that make me feel welcome nor nurtured. I constantly crave physical affection, mental stimulation, experiencing beauty and passion. Regardless if all these things came together or separately. This could also be a good thing. It will make me appreciate and notice the wonders more when they do come along.

For instance, just by saying that i have a nice feeling of closure sitting here drinking my tea and looking at the trinkets i have picked up along my journey here. It's nice. But then really, we all know what I'm getting to.

These are the ramblings of a person in need of someone to share their passion.